July 16th, 2010
“I don’t know why they have to do a criminal background check on you.” “Doesn’t it take years to adopt a healthy baby?” “Can’t you just go to Haiti and adopt one of the children from the earthquake?” “Why must the birth mother pick you? Shouldn’t you pick her, since you’re paying the money?” “Why are you wanting to ask the birth parents their opinion on baby names? He’ll be your baby!” “How come you still have social worker visits, after you have your child?” “Why do you want to remain in contact with the birth family? Aren’t you worried about confusing your child?” “Why does it cost so much to adopt?”
Some of these questions may have been ones you’ve heard, or eventually will hear as an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent. While sometimes these questions come from strangers approaching you at the drug store, odds are the most surprising and brazen questions will come from your loved ones. It would be easy to give an annoyed look at a stranger and simply walk away. But if you’re preparing your Thanksgiving meal and your Dad asks, “How will you know if the biological mom is lying, by saying she hasn’t done drugs? Haven’t most of them had drinks during their pregnancies?” it is a lot harder and even less desirable to walk away and avoid answering.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 1 Comment »
July 4th, 2010
Recently I went to see the movie “Mother and Child” with hopes of viewing a positive and enlightening movie about adoption. The movie has three main story lines which eventually merge together. One story involves a woman, played by Annette Bening, who placed a newborn girl for adoption almost thirty years prior and has been haunted by it since. The second story is about her daughter, played by Naomi Watts, who was placed for adoption and how she is coping with her life. The third story follows a prospective adoptive couple, attempting to adopt a newborn. It focuses mainly on the wife, played by Kerry Washington, and her transition from infertility to adoption.
So was the movie a positive one that I would highly recommend to those in the adoption community? No. Was it still entertaining enough that I’d recommend it with the caveat that the adoption parts are not accurate? Not exactly. I don’t think I was alone in not fully enjoying the movie as when it ended I heard more than one wife around me turn to their husband and say, “I’m sorry I brought you to this.”
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May 18th, 2010
As you research adoption, it’s normal to have some fear. Some of the fear could be in regards to something tangible, like the amount of money an adoption costs. Or you may be afraid of the entire adoption process because you don’t know yet what the necessary steps are. You could even have a strong fear of an adoption topic before having all the facts. An example of this would how prospective adoptive parents may be afraid of a potential relationship with a child’s birth mother.
At my recent Adoption Support Group meeting, this specific topic came up. One woman bravely admitted that she wished she could just get a baby and have the birth mother disappear from the picture. At first that sounds may sound surprising and a little cold-hearted. But at some point, didn’t most of us who pursued domestic adoption have this exact same thought?
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 3 Comments »
May 8th, 2010
So if you are going to adopt, are you ready to take some risks? Sure there are the obvious risks like selecting an agency or picking a country to adopt from. But what about the smaller risks which you may not be expecting? It’s impossible to be prepared for ever adoption situation which may arise as every adoption is unique. But it’s not a bad idea to reflect upon some possible scenarios where you may have to risk money, your heart or when you first meet your child.
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April 29th, 2010
Did you know that every decision you make when you decide to adopt you may need to defend? People will have opinions about every choice you make, large or small. For example, recently I worked at a women’s convention for Infertility and Adoption Support Inc. and I heard two very different comments about adoption. One women came to our booth and said she wanted to adopt domestically because she wanted to “support America.” Then hours later another woman came and said she would only consider international adoption to help all the poor orphans overseas. These two women had very different opinions on adoption. I spoke with both of them and it was obvious that they were sure their path to adoption was the “correct” one. Based on how strongly the both felt, I think they felt their opinion of the “correct” path, was fact.
In my monthly Adoption Support Group this is a common topic that often comes up amongst the attendees. People are surprised at how they meet a lot of backlash when they announce decisions that they have made along their adoption journey. A lot of these attendees had kept their struggles of infertility private so this is the first time they have gotten loved one’s opinions about their family building options. It’s surprising to them how many different opinions there are on the different topics.
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April 19th, 2010
There are adoptions every day without reporters and news cameras present. These are the adoptions which are routine and have happy circumstances. When the media is present around an adoption case, it usually means there is something negative about it and therefore news for the public. This is a sad fact about adoption. When someone hears “that story about adoption on the news” it means there is a story out there which will skew the public’s mind. Instead of seeing how wonderful and simple adoptions can be, they only see the stories which are out of the norm.
The most recent adoption case in the news concerns a 7 year-old boy who was sent alone on an airplane back to Russia with a note from his American adoptive mother. She was “returning” him, as she felt she was lied to by Russian officials concerning the boy’s emotional state. She felt as if the boy was a threat to her and her family and wished to no longer be his parent.
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Posted in In the Adoption Process, Parenting after Adoption, Researching Adoption | 1 Comment »
April 11th, 2010
The journey to adopt a child is not easy. There are many hoops to jump through and emotions raised which one cannot always prepare for. It is so easy to get annoyed with the adoption process when your fingerprints need to be redone, a form is lost in the mail, your social worker is sick and cancels an appointment, your profile is not being viewed by potential birth parents as often as you expected or your parents are calling daily asking, “Why haven’t you heard anything yet?” Everyone I meet who has adopted has at minimum one story of when they were ready to pull out their hair due to frustration with their adoption journey.
I am usually a positive, optimistic person but that didn’t stop me from flipping my lid a few times while working toward adopting my children. At those times, I should have made myself reflect on the things that I should be grateful for in the adoption process. When you are feeling down that is the best time to take a step back in order to appreciate what is going right. No matter where you are in your adoption journey, there is plenty for you to be grateful for. You live in a time and place where you have the option to adopt, you may have support from friends and family, you have adoption professionals who are devoted to adding a child to your family, you have an adoption community who is there to support your efforts to adopt and of course, you have birth parents who are willing to place their child with you to raise.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions | 3 Comments »
April 2nd, 2010
As a parent I am always trying to teach my children how to be grateful for all that they have. It’s a challenging thing to do in our society when we are always bombarded with “more,” “bigger” and “better.” We can easily get the impression that we don’t have enough and therefore can’t be happy. Gratefulness is a trait that I am constantly working on for myself which adds to the difficulty of teaching it to my children.
One aspect of feeling grateful is not to be jealous toward those who have something which you desire. I obviously went through this when I struggled with years of infertility whenever I saw a pregnant woman or parents with a little child. My jealously of their parenthood overwhelmed me. Now I am blessed to be one of those parents with three adorable children in my home thanks to the miracle of adoption.
So what should I feel jealous about? There are a few things that come to mind. None of them are things that I am proud about yet I will still own up to them. I hope that by owning and sharing these thoughts that other adoptive parents may be able to relate, and see that they are not alone.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption | 10 Comments »
February 15th, 2010
A few months ago I found myself boarding an airplane with my three children. It was the end of a very, very long day of travel to get home after a vacation. My children were antsy and I was ready to sleep in my own bed.
We found our seats and the flight attendant, who I noticed was Hispanic, came over with a big smile and said “Hi” to my children. He asked me if my children were adopted. I gave my usual answer of “Yes, I’m an adoptive mother.” I’m used to this question as my Hispanic children don’t match my fair complexion and blonde hair.
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February 7th, 2010
At this month’s Adoption Support Group meeting I heard something from some of the attendees which I unfortunately expected. Many of them had been asked by co-workers or loved ones, “So why don’t you just adopt an orphan from Haiti?” When I had heard about the tragic January 12th earthquake in Haiti and how many children lost their families, a small voice in my head wondered if this was going to be a new topic in the adoption world.
This topic makes sense when on the news we are shown pictures of children without their families. It breaks my heart to see this. Of course I to want to help. What decent person wouldn’t want to? You could donate money or even supplies to Haiti. These are logical actions. As someone in the adoption world I know there isn’t much logic to the thought “Gee, I know someone who wants to adopt. I should tell them to do this so they can get a child quick and easy.”
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