February 7th, 2010
At this month’s Adoption Support Group meeting I heard something from some of the attendees which I unfortunately expected. Many of them had been asked by co-workers or loved ones, “So why don’t you just adopt an orphan from Haiti?” When I had heard about the tragic January 12th earthquake in Haiti and how many children lost their families, a small voice in my head wondered if this was going to be a new topic in the adoption world.
This topic makes sense when on the news we are shown pictures of children without their families. It breaks my heart to see this. Of course I to want to help. What decent person wouldn’t want to? You could donate money or even supplies to Haiti. These are logical actions. As someone in the adoption world I know there isn’t much logic to the thought “Gee, I know someone who wants to adopt. I should tell them to do this so they can get a child quick and easy.”
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January 30th, 2010
Sometimes I feel like in my adoption articles I portray the more negative view of adoption. People may think you aren’t a “real” parent! Children may tease your daughter for looking different than you! Television shows portray adoptees as having severe emotional issues! I write about these things to prepare adoptive parents for any situation that may arise. My first adoption happened so quickly that I don’t feel like I got enough information beforehand to prepare me for awkward questions, conversations, looks and inaccurate assumptions about my children. I would hate for any other adoptive parent to feel the same way with their first child.
Recently, I have been telling myself to focus more on the positive aspects of adoption. Obviously I’m thrilled to be a parent through adoption and love my life with my children. Why do I need to prep prospective adoptive parents for insensitive situations? People are more welcoming of adoption than in the past. Transracial familial relationships are not uncommon anymore. Families are formed in all different ways and aren’t being hidden from the public eye.
Yet all it takes is one conversation with a stranger to remind me that I must always be ready to talk about adoption.
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January 17th, 2010
When you are in the process of adopting with a domestic agency you may meet someone else who is also a client of the same agency. Finding out this information can bring up some very different emotions. First, you may feel happiness and relief to talk to someone else in the process who truly “gets it.” You could discuss who in the agency has been helpful thus far, what roadblocks you may have faced or any other inside scoop on the agency you’re both using. Eventually though you may feel that you have just talked to your competition.
Both of your profiles may be viewed by the same potential birthparents. You may start to compare the two of you in your mind. “Well they are both planning on being working parents but I’ll stay home with our baby. So we should get picked first.” Or “They may get picked first because their family is local and ours is not. I bet potential birthparents would like their baby to have family around.” These emotions may sound petty but it’s hard to know if you’ll have them until you’ve been in the situation.
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January 6th, 2010
Not long ago, I asked my parents to write an article for this website. Having different points of view on adoption would be valuable for my readers. After reading their article below you’ll agree that I am very blessed to have parents who fully supported our adoptions without hesitation. I hope you have someone in your life as supportive as them during your journey. If you don’t yet, that doesn’t mean that you never will. Sometimes all it takes is some of your time to educate your loved ones about adoption. So be patient with them until they hopefully realize, like my parents did right away, that it is extremely easy and very rewarding to accept and love a child though adoption.
A Grandparents’ View
Our grandchildren are the cutest, smartest and most interesting children we’ve ever had the pleasure to love. Just ask and we’ll show you their photos in our wallets and on our cell phones. Got a minute and we’ll tell you the latest new words our youngest has mastered and what science project our oldest grandson is involved with. Are we any different from any other proud grandparents? We don’t think so. Does it matter that three of our grandchildren have been adopted? “Not at all” we’ll answer.
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December 23rd, 2009
In the dating world, people have to make many choices. Who do I find attractive? How old can they be? Do they have to have a college degree? Must they like sports? Should they live in town? And the questions go on and on. People don’t usually sit down and list out all their requirements but just “know” in their gut what their answers are. Their best friend may vehemently disagree with their answers but that can be just fine. You are the best judge for what you should look for in a relationship. Yes, there are dating matching programs but ultimately the person follows their instincts to decide whether or not to take the relationship further.
Those pursing adoption also have to make a lot of choices based on many factors. These choices can be minor ones (like whether to fly or drive to pick up your child) or major ones (like whether or not to adopt from foster care). While you go through the process it will seem like everyone, including those not educated about adoption, will have opinions on your choices. It’s difficult to explain that your decisions are ones you have educated yourself about, followed your instincts on and that you did not decide lightly.
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December 12th, 2009
Recently I had the pleasure of being asked to present to a group of adoption social workers from a local agency. The topic I covered was “Understanding the Infertile Adoptive Couple.” This is a subject I feel knowledgeable about as I entered adoption from the infertility world. I have also met many people who meet this description since I’ve been either participating in or leading infertility and adoption support groups over the past nine years.
If you ask someone if a couple’s adoption journey would be affected by their fertility status, then they’d likely answer, “No.” Why would it make a difference if someone could or could not have biological children? All prospective adoptive parents have to go through the same screening process and fill out the same paperwork, right?
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December 4th, 2009
This is the time of year where people reach out to help others in their community. One way to help others is to purchase holiday gifts for families which are struggling financially. For example, churches, businesses, book clubs and gyms may select a few local families or individuals to receive clothing, toys, and household item donations.
I enjoy providing for those in need during the holiday season. However, it makes my skin crawl when these wonderful programs are advertised as an “Adopt-a-Family.” For most adoptive families, including myself, this is an offensive and troublesome way to use the word “adopt.” The family being donated to is not being “adopted” but actually being “sponsored.” If they were in fact being “adopted” then there would be home studies, lawyer fees and then there’s the issue of the family coming to live with them.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, International Adoptions | 2 Comments »
November 9th, 2009
More than once after I made the decision to adopt, I was told by people, “Just wait – now you’ll get pregnant!” I usually gave a polite laugh and said something like, “Well that would be a surprise!” In my mind I was rudely saying “It be a heck of a lot cheaper.” or “Who knew all I had to do was stop infertility treatments to get them to work correctly?” or “Do you think I’m not happy to be adopting?”
I think people say this familiar comment because they honestly do not know what to say when they learn adoption plans from someone who has tried so long to get pregnant. They aren’t aware how much time, effort and gut wrenching emotion had been put into the decision to end infertility treatments and pursue adoption.
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October 27th, 2009
There are plenty of “How to Adopt” books which cover how to pick an agency, what a home study is, and affording adoption. There are also plenty of books which discuss “Adoptive Parenting” with topics such as attachment, answering questions from your child and maintaining your child’s heritage. But I don’t know of any books that focus on what to do while “Waiting to Adopt.” This stage between completing all of your adoption paperwork and when you receive your new child can be a very difficult time. It’s hard to just “wait” and not be antsy for your life to be turned upside down once you have your new child in your arms.
Most people are surprised when they reach this “Waiting to Adopt” stage because their busy life suddenly comes to a screeching stop. Probably for months they have been researching agencies, collecting paperwork for their home study, meeting with their social worker, following up with their referral letters and many other tasks. Then once everything is complete, there is nothing left for them to do but wait. And wait. And wait. Couples usually feel a need to be doing “something” like they have been but they don’t know what to do at this point. Everything is out of their hands until an adoption situation arises.
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October 17th, 2009
Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.
I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same! Isn’t that amazing? Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”
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