Part I
Understanding the Infertile Couple
I am going to describe the emotions associated with someone who goes through infertility. I have come across this information from three years of enduring treatments, attending a Women’s Infertility Support Group for two years and periodically leading a Women’s Infertility Support Group over the past few years.
Infertility affects one in six couples in America. It can happen when a couple is trying for their first, second, third child or beyond. Infertility is when pregnancy cannot be achieved or when a pregnancy cannot be carried to term. Infertility can last as long as a couple is willing to try to achieve a successful pregnancy. I have seen some couples only get a diagnosis of their infertility and then move onto adoption. Other couples have tried treatments for up to eight years or more.
The first stage of infertility treatments is the diagnostic testing to determine the problem, if possible. This testing can take months to do and include such things as Clomid challenge tests, sperm samples, post-coitals, a HSG, and blood work. This is just the beginning of when women can start to become obsessed with their infertility. They are constantly reading their bodies for signs of ovulation and/or pregnancy. They are charting their cycles, getting information on diagnoses, and usually living on the internet reading about anything related to infertility.
There are many decisions that need to be made by the infertile couple. Examples are what Doctor to use, what procedures to attempt, how many cycles of each treatment to do, how to pay for the cycles, whether to do alternative treatments (like acupuncture or herbs), if they are open to 3rd party treatments (like egg or sperm donation), if they need counseling and many other decisions. The stress involved with these decisions is only something someone who has personally experience infertility can truly appreciate.
Life for these couples starts to revolve around monthly attempts to conceive. They are taking medicine (either orally, injections or vaginally), Doctor appointments (which includes blood work, ultrasounds, procedures, etc.), taking home pregnancy tests, restricting alcohol and exercise during the two-week wait, and other tasks related to their treatment. The couple seems to put everything in their life on hold “just in case” this is their month to conceive. Vacations, buying new clothes, and joining an Infertility support group are examples of things that seem to get brushed aside during treatment.
With many couples, it seems like it is the female that shows more emotional issues during infertility. They feel like everyone around them is pregnant, trying to get pregnant or already have children. It’s harder for them to escape as these are topics women freely discuss when with one another. An infertile woman can go to the mall and afterwards tell you exactly how many strollers and pregnant women they saw, while her husband may not have noticed. During infertility, the husband usually feels helpless because they see their wife in emotional pain but cannot help her.
The woman may end up hating her body for failing her for not having children. It doesn’t matter if their diagnosis is unexplained infertility, female factor or male factor infertility; the woman takes a lot of this burden upon herself. She feels guilty that she is unable to provide a child for her spouse. I know I told my husband he would have been happier if he married someone else because then he could have the children he dearly wanted. He thought my way of thinking was absurd and had to convince me over and over that he wanted children with ME. Depression is also every common with those coping with infertility. Unfortunately, it’s not easy for the infertile woman to reach out for help to a counselor or a support group. She is in the mindset that she’s going to get pregnant next month, so why talk to someone now?
The support circle for an infertile couple may suddenly become extremely small. They may step away from friends and family because they just don’t want to hear “helpful” advice or general questions of “So, how are you doing?” Specific things that are not helpful but heard often by infertile couples is “Just relax,” “Just Adopt,” “Take a vacation,” advice on sexual positions, and tips on medicines and doctors. Most of this advice is from family member and friends who really do mean to say the right thing but they unfortunately don’t know what to say.
The couple doesn’t want to explain all their medical treatments or justify their decisions to their loved ones. These couples may also stop attending social events in fear of a pregnant couple being there or the topic of pregnancy arising. Holidays are especially difficult because it is just another reminder that another year has passed without a child. Also, holidays are a popular time for family to announce pregnancies to everyone. The infertile couple has mixed reactions to these announcements. They are happy for their loved one but very jealous that it’s not them who is pregnant.
While dealing with infertility, it’s also easy to fall away from their Faith. Many people become very angry with God for not giving them a child when they are such good people. It seems so unfair that some children are abused and neglected, yet the infertile couple has to work so hard to get a baby that they’d love and care for with all of their heart. The choice to not attend church during treatment is common as it is a place full of pregnant women, small children, baptisms or recognition of Mother’s like on Mother’s Day.
Infertility treatment can seem like an endless cycle and that makes it difficult to know when to stop. Different couples have different reasons for ending treatment. Some reasons may involve money, the age of the couple, the stress on their lives and the amount of time it is taking to have a child. A lot of women just know in their heart when it’s time not to proceed any further. It’s usually when they are just no longer excited to go to the Doctor anymore and dread the thought of doing another cycle. They are sick of disappointment and are ready to regain control of their lives.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
This site is great. It’s a great resource for couples that are or will be going through this. Also, I think it’s educational for family and friends of those who are infertile. Nice work.
It’s shocking to read that infertility happens to one in six couples. Infertility and its effects on women and couples are subjects we would all benefit understanding since it is so pervasive.