Part II
Deciding on Adoption
For most couples who experience infertility, they have considered adoption somewhere along their journey. They may think it will be a realistic option, or they may not want to accept that it may be their only option someday, or they may know that they do not want to become parents through adoption. It’s possible that one person in the relationship may have strong feelings about adoption which is the opposite of their partner. These roles could change over the course of infertility treatments and these feelings should be reevaluated every few months.
Even though a couple knows that adoption will bring them a child, they will still have to cope with unpleasant feelings. They could be angry because they believe they wasted time and money by doing infertility treatments. In most cases couples have spent a good portion of their savings on treatment and unfortunately adoption can be expensive. The couple may feel like failures because they were unable to create a biological child. This may lead to them feeling as if they disappointed their relatives because the family blood line will not continue. The couple may not realize that a lot of the time the relatives are happy for them to be pursuing adoption because they are tired of seeing them in such emotional pain from infertility treatments.
There are feelings of loss associated with moving from infertility to adoption particularly for the woman. These feelings can be associated with not experiencing a physical pregnancy. The feeling of life growing inside of her is something she has fantasized about for a long time. Now she must accept that she will not have that. She will feel the loss of connecting with the baby through breastfeeding. Although she may not know at this point that adoptive breastfeeding is a viable option for many women. She will also have to grieve the loss of the entire pregnancy experience. When you are pregnant, there is an outward sign to the world (by the expanding belly) that you are expecting. People are happy for you and talk to you about your symptoms and when you are due. People plan baby showers for you because they know when the baby is arriving. The positive attention toward a pregnant woman is something that the woman ending infertility treatment will not have.
Due to misconceptions about adoption, a couple deciding to adopt may feel like hope is lost. Many adoption stories read in news stories about children being taken away from their adoptive parents or seen in overly dramatic movies on Lifetime can paint a bleak picture of the adoption process. This is why people may not have the true facts of how the process works and that it is definitely doable. Some common misconceptions are that it takes years to adopt, you can’t get a perfectly healthy baby, you must co-parent with birthparents in an open adoption, all international adoptions are special needs, and this list can go on and on. The fear of the adoption process will not go away until true research is done by the infertile couple.
These feeling described so far are not pleasant for anyone to experience. But they are necessary for the couple to recognize and accept them. It’s important for the couple to have these feelings of anger, failure, grief and hopelessness before they bring a child into their lives. Their child should not ever have to bear the burden of the feelings from infertility.
There is one very large overpowering feeling that most all infertile couples experience once they decide on adoption. This feeling is one that is very positive and overshadows most of the negative feelings. Once they decide to put their infertility treatments behind them, they feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For the first time, in possibly years, they are free of most all the stressors associated with the infertility world. In my personal experience, it was the first time in a long time that I could start to feel like myself again. No longer was I tied to Doctor’s appointments and taking medicine. I began to allow myself to enjoy life, my marriage and myself. I knew at this point that I definitely was going to become a Mom and adoption was a sure way to do it.
There are two wonderful books by Patricia Irwin Johnston on the emotions during this transition. One from 1992 is titled, “Adopting After Infertility” and her newest book in 2008 is “Adopting: Sound Choices, Strong Families.” Reading titles like these will help you feel as if your complicated feelings at this time are perfectly normal. They will empower you to proceed with the adoption process.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
[...] complete the same forms. Yet there is a difference concerning the emotions each couple experienced before they chose to fill out the forms, during the time they completed the adoption process and even after they have [...]