Part IV

Parenting after Adoption

Once the infertile couple has adopted their child, they can finally begin the family life that they worked so hard to achieve.  Even though they are parents, some of the feelings left over from infertility may still surface.  The couple may have pangs of sorrow when they hear someone announce their pregnancy or read a birth announcement.  Baby showers and being around pregnant women may make them feel uncomfortable.  The couple may feel ashamed to have these feelings because they feel as if they should be completely gone now that they are parents.  For some people, parenthood does wipe the infertility feelings away.  But with most couples I meet, these feelings are present but to a lesser degree than when they were in infertility treatment.

Although the couple is absolutely thrilled to have the child that they have, they may still wish they could experience the pregnancy and birth with their child.  I definitely feel this way with all three of my children.  I honestly don’t feel that my genes could have made children as beautiful and sweet as my children.  Yet my heart aches that I didn’t know them their first nine months in utero and have complete control on how they were treated prior to birth.  I don’t regret not pursuing infertility treatment further to achieve a successful pregnancy.  But in some weird way I regret not experiencing pregnancy with my current children.

Another feeling that may resurface from infertility is the unfairness that the couple must fill out paperwork, pay money, do a home study, and possibly travel in order to have another child.  This may not be obvious to a new adoptive parent but it will be when their child is around two years old.  That is around the time that a lot of fertile people decide to try to get pregnant with another child.  At play groups and playgrounds, Mothers can be overheard planning to have their next child in the summertime or to have their children spaced apart a certain number of years.  These are luxuries that an adoptive parent cannot have.  It is unknown how long the paperwork will take or when they will be matched with a child or a pregnant Birthmother.  I recall getting very upset during these talks with fellow Mothers because I was so mad that I couldn’t plan my life as easily as those fertile Mothers.

When a woman is experiencing infertility, they constantly look at new Mothers and long to fit in with them.  Unfortunately, what the infertile woman may not realize is that pregnancy, breastfeeding and birth stories are very common topics among new Mothers.  This means that the infertile woman, now an adoptive parent, doesn’t fit into the group she always wanted to be part of.  Most new Mothers would never push away an adoptive Mother, but they should realize that the adoptive Mother has nothing to add to their conversations. 

I recall with my first child seeking out women and play groups that talked about the actual babies and not how they got here.  I, like other adoptive Mothers I know, had to search for a group of new Mothers who either adopted or went through infertility treatments.  With these women I knew I wouldn’t have to sit silently through discussions of third trimester pregnancy symptoms.  They were sensitive to my situation, would listen and understand when I need to talk about my adoption and were supportive when I reentered the adoption world for another child.  Sometimes finding women like this can be difficult.  This is one of many reasons I recommend people find a local adoption support group for those adopting or those who are already parents.  Online adoption forums for new parents are also a wonderful resource to meet women in similar situations.

I believe the most positive thing about being an adoptive parent after infertility is to finally have an answer to the question, “Why?”.  During infertility and adoption the couple asks, “Why me?”, “Why can’t I get pregnant?”, “Why is this taking so long?”, “Why won’t a Birthparent select my profile?”  “Why is everyone around me a parent but not me?” and many other “Why” questions.  All of these questions are answered the instant their child through adoption is placed in their arms.  Finally, the adoptive couple realizes that everything they went through, from the infertility testing and treatment, the constant disappointments, all the paperwork and the waiting was to lead them to this particular child.  THEIR child.  Whether or not they knew it along their journey to parenthood, this child was always meant to be theirs.  To finally have their questions answered, a calm peace overtakes the couple.  This peace is what helps them enter the world of parenthood a stronger couple and extremely appreciative of their new child.        

Danielle I. Pennel

Three Yellow Roses

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 9:07 PM and is filed under Domestic Adoptions, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.