One question that a couple must discuss early in their adoption process is whether or not to adopt a child of a race different than their own. Some couples joke that the child could be purple and they wouldn’t care as long as he is theirs. But this really is a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. A good starting point is to honestly answer this question, “Are you willing to move into a neighborhood where you are in the minority and your child is not?” If your immediate knee-jerk reaction is, “No”, then that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty about it but please reconsider adopting transracially. If your answer is “Well, of course.” then maybe you should research more into transracial adoptions.
For my husband, P, and I we definitely had no qualms about adopting a child of another race. We had always thought, even before our infertility diagnosis, of pursing international adoption. In our minds, our family would consist of different skin colors. However, just because we would be thrilled with a child of any color didn’t mean everyone would. We had to consider those who the child would be in close contact with. We knew that it would be ignorant to adopt a child of any color and throw them into our lives and expect them to fit in. We needed to know that we could provide them a good family support system, expose them to their race and feel comfortable with questions about our family from the outside world.
For any child, they should feel unconditionally loved. Therefore, P and I had to have some serious discussions about race with family members who would be important in our child’s life. It was difficult to ask questions such as, “How would you feel if we adopted an African American or an Asian baby?” Yet I am sure it was much harder for our family to honestly answer our questions without feeling judged. We needed their answers so we wouldn’t be thinking, “I wonder if they don’t love our kids as much because of their color?” Once we had the information we needed, P and I were able to narrow down the races we knew would be fully accepted. This helped us decide to pursue a newborn adoption with a Texas agency which had many babies who were full or part Hispanic.
P and I did end up adopting a full Hispanic newborn. We then knew that the rest of our children would also be full Hispanic. Early on in the adoption process we had decided that the ethnicity of our first child would determine the ethnicity of the rest of our children. We chose this because we wanted our children to be able to turn to each other if there were racial issues that their Caucasian parents couldn’t understand. We now have three beautiful full Hispanic children and have never regretted this decision of having them all the same race.
We live in a large city in the Midwest that unfortunately does not have a huge Hispanic population. We knew that when we decided to adopt a Hispanic baby we would have to make extra efforts to expose them to others of their race. Our children have often attended our city’s Hispanic Festivals and by doing so we have seen other families that look similar to ours with Caucasian parents and Hispanic children. We also point out important Hispanic leaders and actors through the television and movies. I love taking trips to Southern Texas with my children so they can look everywhere and see people who resemble them. It’s odd but I always find great joy being in a Texas mall and unable to immediately locate my child because most of the children have dark hair and skin like them.
With an international adoption, it seems easy to surround them with things, such as paintings, books and stories, from their birth country. For us, our children were born in the United States but are a minority race. We have a few items in our house that represent Mexico, such as calacas, but a majority of our items related to their race have to do with Texas. We have souvenirs from Texas such as cowboy hats and nick knacks paper flowers we purchased from the San Antonio Market Square. We want our children to be proud of their Hispanic heritage but also proud to be American.
Although we have to search hard to expose our children to other Hispanics, we also want to expose them to non-Caucasian children. We did this by moving only one mile into a new school district. We wanted this district because they have a lot of “black haired” kids. We figured that if the child has black hair then there is a good possibility that they are non-Caucasian. Currently, my child’s Kindergarten class of 18 has only 7 Caucasian children. We are in one of the best schools around and we are thrilled that our children will not stand out as the “dark skinned” ones.
When you do decide to adopt transracially you do become a walking billboard for adoption. At times, it’s almost as if there is a spotlight on you with a sign above saying, “Please approach and ask me an insensitive question right in front of my child”. For some couples, the thought of their family standing out is very unappealing. That line of thinking is perfectly fine as long as you don’t plan on adopting transracially. Most comments and second glances from strangers come when both P and I are both with our children. It’s then easy to figure out that our children did not get their features from either parent. If just I am alone with my children, I have been asked, “Is their Dad exotic looking?” because my blonde hair and blue eyed genes obviously did not get passed onto my children.
Most questions are from people who are curious about adoption. But the questions related to our children’s race are the frustrating ones. A common example is immediately after I tell people that I was in the room when K was born and got him from the hospital at three days old, people ask, “So was it hard for him to learn English?” or “Did he only speak Spanish?”. It’s difficult to respond to these questions but it’s what we decided to take on being a transracial family.
Now that K is in school, most of the questions come from children his age. K has been asked, “Are you sure that’s your Mother?” and “How come you don’t look like your parents?” We knew these questions would come so we had to be diligent with providing our children answers to these questions before the questions were asked. These talks are ones that a non-transracial family does not have to approach until much later in childhood.
Even if you decide not to adopt a child of a different race, it’s possible you may have to answer some questions from others too. One of my friends who has dark hair, brown eyes and light skin, decided to adopt a Caucasian baby to blend into her family. Her daughter through adoption has light blond hair, light blue eyes and tans instantly in the sun. My friend is constantly questioned, “Where does she get her eyes from?” or other questions about the differences in their appearances. If you decide to adopt a child who is biracial, it’s very possible that they will take on the features of the race that is not like your own.
Assuming that if you don’t actively adopt transracially then you won’t have to face similar issues that I face on a daily basis is not entirely realistic. Yet, if do think a transracial adoption is for you then should be prepared to put in extra effort to make your child feel loved unconditionally, be proud and educated of their race, and feel empowered with answers to those who question why their family looks different than most others.
For our family, I would not want it to look any different than it does. I think my children are beautiful in their own unique ways and I love wondering what everyone will look like as they get older. I hope that my family stands out enough so people see that our family was formed by adoption. They will see how happy all of us are and know right there and then that love makes a family and not skin color.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
Thank you for a thoughtful, insightful article about transracial adoption. I think you’re right to encourage would-be parents to discuss their families’ feelings before adopting children of a different race; if everyone is honest, it could save a lot of hurt down the road. Congratulations to you and P for opening your hearts to three children that needed you.
This is a thoughtful article which will be of help to prospective parents and people who have not considered the implications of intrusive questions. thank you.
This is something we have been thinking over since the beginning and are still waiting. I really like this article, it really puts things into perspective! You are such an insightful person. It is wonderful you have decided to share your experience with all of us. Thanks.
In the recent issue of Adoptive Families magazine there is a wonderful article on this topic. It is written by a Caucasian couple who had adopted an African American boy. They wanted to expose their son to others who physically resembled him so they researched local African American churches. They were very nervous to go because for once they would be the minority race. But they knew it was best for their son so they went. They felt out of place at first but were warmly welcomed by the church. Their son loved feeling part of that community. I feel like that article touched on a lot of things I discussed on this website. You should check it out.