For a couple waiting to adopt, one of the happiest times is when they get “The Call” from their agency or lawyer about their new child. They will then receive important information such as a picture of their child or told about the progress of the potential Birthmother’s pregnancy. This event may be one of the most exciting moments this couple has experienced in a long time during their journey to parenthood.
The couple should immediately consider censoring the following: the history involving the pregnancy; life with foster parents or in an orphanage; Birthfamily details; and anything else about the child before the potential adoption. This is the crucial time to decide what to share because once things are said it’s impossible to take them back. “The Birthmother has three other children and those deliveries went perfect.” “The boy lived with his Grandma for his first year before being placed in the orphanage.” “Her name from her Birthmother was Elena.” “The Birthfather knew about the pregnancy but left town and hasn’t been heard from since.” “She had a low birth weight and has a small, upturned nose so there’s always a possibility she was exposed to a lot of alcohol in utero.” “There are a couple of potential Birthfathers so we aren’t entirely sure what race he could be.”
These comments above are all ones that may seem innocent when you are talking about your adoption to your parents, friends or neighbors. However, even though you may not remember mentioning these facts, people will remember them. There is even a good possibility that they could bring up these topics in front of your child.
Your Mom may wonder if your Son is throwing tantrums due to his age or because he is naturally aggressive from being the product of rape. An Uncle could question if your daughter’s learning disabilities are stemmed from her Birthmother abusing alcohol. Your friend could ask you in front of your Son if you have pictures of his “other Sister”. Thinking it would be cute, an Aunt could call your daughter her original birth name.
These are all situations that you can easily avoid. I learned this the hard way after our first adoption. We were so excited to share every detail of our adoption of K with family and friends. Never did we think there was anything wrong with it. That was until we were parents and quickly became protective of our Son. He was born in 2002 and still we hear comments and questions about his Birth siblings, Birthparents and other personal details of his adoption at family functions. We constantly kick ourselves for putting so much personal information about K and his adoption out there for the world to hear.
Before our second adoption, P and I discussed in great detail what information we were willing to share and to whom. We are positive it was painful for our loved ones not have answers from us this time around. We had the same answer to every single question regarding our daughter. It was, “She’s healthy. That’s all you need to know.” We would repeat that over and over until people figured out that we weren’t sharing anything. I’d like to think that people ended up respecting us for protecting our daughter and her personal information.
We had the same response when we adopted our third child and it was much easier to do that time. P and I know that as awkward as it is at times not to answer your loved ones’ questions, in the long run it’s the best decision. If we had a desire to talk about the details of our adoption, then we found other adoptive parents who knew the importance of privacy regarding this information. Those personal relationships with other parents helped us in many tough situations when we didn’t want to involve our loved ones in fear of them learning too much about our child’s adoption.
We will share all of their information with our children over time. Not all of the personal details are appropriate until they are old enough to understand them. But it should be our decision as parents when to share this information. By censoring ourselves after “The Call” we have eliminated the possibility that our children’s personal information be discussed at inappropriate times. That information is for our children and if they choose to ever share it, then that will be their decision.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
