Nowadays families come together in different ways. Due to divorce, remarriage, adoption, grandparents as primary caregivers, same-sex partners and other configurations there is no longer one set idea of what a “family” should look like. With adoption you can have some control over this. By being selective with your child’s country of birth and their race, you can have a good picture in your mind of what your family will look like.
Just as parents of biological children expect that their children will look similar to one another, some adoptive parents want the same. It’s not uncommon for some adoptive parents, including myself, to only seek out children of similar racial background in order for them all to “match” one another. By using the word “match” I only mean the children will share similar physical characteristics. This may sound like an odd thing to be concerned about to someone outside of the adoption community. I found it was one small way to bring some normalcy to my family formed through adoption which is anything but a normal process.
For some families after they adopt their first child they are faced with the decision of weighing the importance of “matching” their children. Factors in their lives that they did not plan on may be altering the plans that the adoptive parents had in their mind. This can be frustrating to the adoptive parents because now they have to change their image of how they pictured their family.
The Dilemmas
When adopting internationally, it’s possible that a family wants to have all their children from the same country. That way they can share physical traits, learn their native language and about their country’s culture together. Due to recent changes in international adoption laws, it may not be possible for that family anymore and now they have to look into other countries. For example, Mark and Anna adopted a little girl from China and wanted more daughters from there. Due to recent changes in China’s adoption’s laws they now don’t meet the criteria to adopt from there. Should they only look at other Asian countries? Do they consider adopting a boy even though they pictured their family with all girls?
Domestically, there are families in similar situations for their second child. For their first child they were open to different races and now must decide what to do for their next adoption. For example, Kevin and Jenny, who are Caucasian, were open to any race when they adopted a newborn through a private agency. By chance they were selected to be parents to a full Caucasian baby. Now for their next child, do they still remain to be as open to race? Should their children “match” each other or is it alright for only of them to look physically different in the family?
What about the family with biological children who choose to adopt? Should they only be open to races where the child to be adopted will “match” their biological siblings? If the parents choose to adopt a child of a different race then is it necessary for them to adopt a second child of that new race so there isn’t only one child in their household that doesn’t “match” anyone else?
There are even non-adoptive families where there is one child that doesn’t look like they fit in. That is when there are the jokes about “Mom and the mailman”. Possibly that one child has very curly hair or is very tall or has different color eyes from everyone else in their family. I would think none of these kids liked having additional comments about them not fitting in with the rest of their family as they grew up. But did it scar them for life? Did it make them stronger people? Did it teach their siblings about diversity?
“Matching” My Children
In my case, my husband, Paul, and I were open to many different races for our first adoption. Before we adopted we decided that whatever race our first child was is what all our children would be. We felt this way because we wanted our children to have someone else in the family who looked like them. We live in a mainly Caucasian city and always wanted our children to have an ally if any racial issues that we couldn’t understand arose. So when our first Son, K, was full Hispanic we thought, “Guess we’ll be raising full Hispanic kids!”
It was naïve of us to think that if we adopted all full Hispanic children they would look like one another. When we adopted our second child, our daughter I, she looked more Caucasian than full Hispanic. Her hair is dark brown (not black like K’s) and her skin is pretty light (not brown like K’s). Besides them not looking like Paul and I and them tanning instantly in the sun there are not much physical similarities between the two of them. A lot of people are surprised to learn that both of them were of the same race.
Our third child, also full Hispanic, looks a lot like K physically. At first I thought having two of my children look similar would be really great. But then the more I thought about it I really didn’t care about it anymore. The idea of my kids “matching” wasn’t as important as I thought. I had already had K and his sister, I, in our family who looked different from each other and from me and we were perfectly happy, “matching” or not.
Our Opinion of “Matching” Now
It’s the bond of entering our family through adoption that I believe my children will probably be grateful for. I can’t predict the future but I doubt they’ll be totally appreciative that they all are of the same race. Issues surrounding adoption, such as wondering about Birthfamily, is where they’ll need someone to talk to that completely understands their feelings. Yet I don’t regret pushing for children all of the same race when we were adopting because it led me to my wonderful children.
When I recently asked Paul if he was grateful that we “matched” all of our kids to be the same race his response was, “Doesn’t really matter anymore.” He continued to say that it didn’t seem as important after we were parents as it was before we were parents. Their race didn’t matter to him but what did matter was that none of them looked like him and I. Paul believes it’s more important that not one of our children “sticks out” from the others. He thought the bond our kids will share more will be receiving the question, “Are they your parents?” will mean more to them than “Why do you think your Birthmother placed you for adoption?”
Advantages of “Matching” Your Children
I will admit that there are some advantages to having our children all of the same race. As a parent, I only have to learn about one other culture and can easily incorporate it into our house. I know of some families with children from multiple countries and my head spins with all the traditions and holidays that they have to keep straight about each child’s country of birth.
Another advantage is that our children do all have something in common besides entering our family through adoption. Maybe they will all decide to learn Spanish phrases or create decorations for Dias de los Muertos together. I know that they will have a racial bond that I would not have ever been able to give them. It will be up to them whether or not they ever decide to pursue that avenue with one another.
Am I saying that you need to adopt at least two children to make them “match”? Absolutely not. But if you do only adopt one child I think you need to make extra efforts to make sure that child has a support system of other children who were also adopted. Your child doesn’t need to feel like an outsider among all the biological children in the neighborhood. If finding these children is not possible, then finding a counselor who trained in adoption issues can be helpful. Then if your child seems to need someone to talk to and you aren’t enough for them, you have an additional resource for help.
Attention Toward the Child That Doesn’t “Match”
The adoptive families that were open to different races for their first adoption and ended up with a child of a race similar to their own have additional worries for their next adoption. If they adopt their next child of a different race, odds are their family will attract attention from strangers. Currently their family has blended in with other families that were formed biologically. The idea of unwanted attention in public may not seem too appealing. Sure they were open to that attention when they considered transracial adoption originally. But now they have parented without stares and questions from strangers. Will they be overprotective of both their children now? Will people only assume the newest child is adopted and not the oldest one? Would that bother the older child?
Guilt is what I hear a lot of these families mention as an overwhelming feeling when they’re filling out the paperwork for their second child. Before they were so open to adopting transracially but now that option doesn’t seem viable. These couples know that not everyone is open to transracial adoptions and feel like they are turning their back on children who have a harder time finding adoptive parents. I try to remind them that they have changed as a couple and as a family so try to make the best decision for them at this time. Their children will be a lot happier knowing that they were adopted out of love and not out of guilt.
On the flip side of this, I have read many stories about how adopting a child who doesn’t “match” the rest of the family is very enlightening for entire family. The other siblings learn about diversity in a very personal way as they view their sibling face possible struggles or off-handed remarks from others. The parents have to learn how to balance multiple races in one family which can be challenging and very educational at the same time. Rarely have I read about regrets pursuing this route even if there are additional roadblocks that the family may face together.
So What’s the Answer?
The best answer for all of the questions that were raised is to be answered between you and your partner. Only you know what challenges your family and your current child or children are willing to face. You have to be realistic with whatever decisions you make and not feel guilty if your opinion has changed from before your first adoption.
Look at Paul and I and how much our opinions changed over the years. We completely agreed on “matching” our children by race before we adopted and continued to do so for all three of our adoptions. We both agree now that it doesn’t matter to us that all of them are of the same race. But we disagree on how we ended up “matching” them effectively. I think we “matched” them well by all of them entering our family through adoption. Paul thinks we “matched” them well by all of them not looking like Caucasian like us.
Even though this topic can be a touchy one because race is involved, it needs to be openly discussed. This is a topic talked about in Adoption Support Groups in person and online but not often enough. Adoptive parents want to make the best decisions for their children and their families. They need to talk about their options, feelings and hear how other families are coping with their decisions. All they want, like all parents, is their child to “match” with their family in the best way possible.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
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