Not everyone who pursues adoption is doing so for their first child. Many adoptive couples are parents already when they choose to adopt. They may have one or more children that are biologically theirs. Or maybe the couple has adopted already and is doing it again. Going through the adoption process when you already have children in your home is a different experience. It’s sometimes difficult for these parents to find the support they need as a lot of the adoption literature is geared for childless couples entering the adoption world.
As an adoptive parent of three I know firsthand that the adoption process is very different the second or third time around. I have many friends who adopted after having biological children or after previously adopting. We shared with one another how different the experience was and what we can teach other parents wishing to adopt.
Fears of Bringing Another Child Home
If you have adopted before then you could have fears of how this new adoption will be different and how to explain it to your children. For example, maybe your first adoption was a pretty open one where you shared phone calls and letters with the Birthparents on a regular basis. You are then matched with a Birthmother who is not interested in maintaining contact with your family after placement. How are you going to explain the differences in openness to your two children?
Another example could be if you adopted your daughter from China but are now pursuing a different country with faster adoptions. Would you be afraid her feelings would be hurt because she’ll think you don’t want another Chinese daughter like her? How do you explain to her that it’s not that you don’t want another child from China but the laws have changed?
If all of your children are biological and you are now adopting a child, then is it normal to be worried that they won’t “fit in” with your other children? Are people going to label them as “the adopted one”? Is it unreasonable to prepare your current children on how to stick up for the child that you will be adopting?
All of these concerns are ones that I have had personally or that I have heard somebody else mention. These hurdles can be overcome by educating yourself and your children about why you are adopting and what to expect during the process. Talking to other parents who have adopted, reading personal adoption stories or speaking with the social worker doing your home study are all options to discover the right answers for you and your family.
Where Did the Time Go?
When you entered the adoption process with no children in your home yet it seemed easy to find the time to rush through the mounds of paperwork required to adopt. Trying to find that time when you are sleep deprived from a teething toddler or are busy in the evenings with your daughter’s soccer practices is a tad more challenging. You must allow yourself some leeway on your ideal time frame from the start to end of your paperwork stage. This can be frustrating but it’s normal not to have everything completed as quickly as the first time around.
What Issues to Consider?
During the paperwork and home study phase you will need to decide what medical issues in the child and in the Birthparents you are willing to accept. You may view this in a new light now that you are parents. Realistically you know how much time your current child or children take up and will know if there is time for child who has special needs. You also need to consider that if you and your partner pass away your current child will be responsible for the care of the child you adopt. There is no need to feel guilty if you are not as open as you were before with medical issues. You need to make decisions what is best for your current family and the family you are trying to create.
How to Tell Children Your Adoption Plans
Once you make the decision to adopt you will have to prepare your children for the changes that will occur. First of all you can decide the best way to tell them why you are adopting. Maybe it’s because you feel a desire for more children or maybe you have always wanted to help a child from a foreign country. For myself I always wanted a family with three children since I was little girl. To tell my children why we were adopting, I used the wording that “my tummy was broken but I still want more children in our family.” Keeping the details simple and not delving into our struggles with infertility is all my children needed to know at their preschool ages.
An older child will probably want more details about the adoption process, especially if this is your family’s first one. Telling them that they can ask any questions about adoption whenever they feel like it may give the child some time to think. Maybe they want to know “Will they be my ‘real’ sister?”, “Why doesn’t the baby’s mom want him?”, “If I don’t like him, can we return him?” Even though some of these questions may come across as odd, in a child’s mind they are very serious questions that they need answers to. Make it known to your child that there are no silly questions about adoption so they should ask whatever they want about it.
Books to Help
There are a lot of books out there for parents to read to their child when they are expecting a new baby. Almost any major bookstore has a handful of them available. These books are usually not relevant if you are adopting a child. You need to seek out books that do not show the Mom’s tummy getting bigger or say that in a few months they’ll have a new sibling. If you are adopting internationally, you need books that show an older baby or a toddler arriving home.
The books I liked best for a domestic adoption were by Joanna Cole called, “I’m a Big Brother” or “I’m a Big Sister”. The books begin with a new baby already in the house and the text focuses on what the older sibling can do that a baby cannot do, such as eat ice cream. These aren’t adoption books but they don’t focus on the pregnancy aspect. For other suggestions for any age group, visit Tapestry Books online which is a wonderful resource for adoption books.
When to Tell Children Your Adoption Plans
When you make your big announcement of adopting don’t be disappointed if your children don’t rejoice with you. My oldest son, for example, likes to ponder upon things for awhile and then ask questions about it later on. When I explained how we were adopting a third child he got very quiet, which is uncharacteristic of him. I was worried that he was mad we were bringing home a new child. But within a few days he asked what we would name the new baby and if he could offer suggestions. That solidified in my mind that he was excited and only needed time to process the news of yet another sibling joining our family.
Young children don’t like to wait long for anything. Remember this when you consider when to tell your children that you are adopting. Even though you are excited about adopting it doesn’t mean you have to include your child each step of the way. Adoptions don’t always work on a set time line.
I made sure to always tell my children that “I don’t know” when they asked when we’d get our new baby. I assured them that we had to wait until the right baby found our family because that is what we did for them. Older children may want to know the details of when your dossier was received in the child’s birth country or when you are being prescreened for a potential situation. Only you know what your child can handle emotionally so keep that in mind when you share news of your adoption process updates.
Involving Your Child in the Process
Another part of adoption that you have to explain to your current child before you adopt is how the process works. It will differ depending on the kind of adoption you are pursuing. You could show them your adoption profile and explain how someday a woman pregnant with a baby will look at it and want you to be the family for her baby. Or you can get a globe and discuss how far away the country is that you will be traveling to in order to get a new child.
Depending on your child’s age, they may want to do something to prepare for the new adoption. If you are adopting from Russia then possibly they could learn some phrases to say in Russian. If you are adopting domestically, they may want to draw a picture or write a letter to include in your adoption profile for the potential Birthparents to view.
When to Tell Them about a Referral or a Match?
One question that comes up often from parents pursuing adoption is “When do you tell your child that you have a referral/match?” Again, this answer will be determined by your child’s age and how much you have involved them in the process thus far. An older child who understands time and the risks of the adoption not occurring can probably be told about the referral or match soon after it happens. Odds are they will be excited and very anxious along with their parents for the child to arrive in their home.
For a younger child, many people do not share the information of a referral or match until late in the process. If you will be traveling out of country then you’ll have to make plans on who will care for your child in their absence. Your child is sure to question where you are going. By telling him that you are off to “hopefully bring home a Sister” for him you are letting him know that something exciting is happening to your family.
If the situation is that potential Birthparents have chosen your family to raise their future child, then it will be difficult not to share the news with your children. This was the situation that I found myself in more than once. I knew that I would be unable to avoid having my children overhear me speaking of the potential adoption to others. I never made a big announcement that we had been “selected” to my children but I didn’t deny it either. If they asked I would answer, “We hope to have a new baby soon but it’s not our decision. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
My Experiences
When we pursued our second adoption, we had one that fell through when the potential Birthmother chose to parent as she went into labor. My son, who was two years old and very intelligent, never knew what had occurred. He had even met the potential Birthparents but we never let on that the baby in that stranger’s stomach could be his little brother. After the adoption failed, our son knew that we were very sad and was always there to brighten our mood with his silly faces and lots of hugs. I was grateful that he wasn’t mourning along with us.
Months later when we did adopt our second child, we did not tell our son about his new sister until the relinquishment papers were signed by the Birthmother. He saw us prepare for baby stuff and was with us when we jumped on an airplane in a moment’s notice to rush to the hospital. But he thought it was just a normal thing for us to be doing at the time. Even when we announced to him that he had a new sister he was not super excited and just wanted to go back to the hotel to play.
For our third adoption, we did not tell either our son or daughter that they had a new sibling until the relinquishment papers were signed by the Birthmother. Both of them knew we were waiting to adopt a baby but were so involved in their lives that they didn’t care about the details. Even as we drove 14 ½ hours straight to the hospital to get our potential new baby, we told our children that “we were hoping to go get a new baby but it may not happen.” Maybe that was a pessimistic way to view this exciting moment but we really did not want our children disappointed.
Adding a child to your family through adoption is a wonderful experience for your entire family. By sharing age appropriate information about the process and allowing your current children to be as involved as possible, it can feel as if all of you together are adopting your new child. I know that my older children believe that they had a large part in adopting their siblings and I am thrilled that they feel that way. There is no better gift I could give them than the one of yet another sibling to love, bicker with, wrestle with, play with and be forever connected with.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
These posts are so personal; I love reading them as I usually learn something new that I never knew before. The emotions and reactions are priceless. I think I know my grandchildren, but something new always turns up. For me, they are very personal and emotional; what must you and Paul have been feeling? I love you all.
Mom