There are many questions that are asked of myself and my children because we are a family formed through adoption. I knew this would happen when we chose to adopt and especially when we chose to adopt transracially. This does not mean that I am not still amazed by what words come out of strangers’ mouths when commenting on my family. I have learned how to handle most questions with dignity and am always in the process of teaching my children to do the same.
Most comments I understand are because many people are not properly educated about adoption. Why would they be unless they have been through the adoption process themselves? I was clueless about the facts of adoption up until I walked into my first Adoption Support Meeting and starting reading books on the topic. Yet when strangers use the word “real” in regards to adoptive families it strikes a nerve in those in the adoption community.
It’s not a far stretch to assume that everyone has heard of the word “real”. So why is this word used incorrectly in so many of the questions directed at my family? Don’t people truly understand what this word means? There are many definitions for the word “real.” Some of these include “actual rather than imaginary, ideal or fictitious,” “being an actual thing; having objective existence; not imaginary,” “genuine,” and “not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation.” Funny how none of the definitions I came across mentioned “sharing of DNA”. Yet it seems as if the questions I receive that ask about the “realness” of my family assume that this is the only definition.
“Real Mom?”
I’ve even been asked if I am my children’s “real” mom by strangers quite often. These strangers can be a cashier, another parent on a playground or even a hairdresser who sees me with my children. I am usually taken aback by that question because it always seems to come on the days where I am ready to rip my hair out from being worn out by being such a “real” mom.
I know that the stranger just wants to know if my child was adopted but doesn’t feel comfortable asking directly. By challenging me as to whether I am a “real” mom would answer their question as to whether we share any DNA. Since my adoptions are transracial, I look nothing like my children so I think it’s pretty obvious there is no genetic connection. So why use the word “real”? Do they think I am the children’s nanny? Could I really be some counterfeit mom while the other one is getting her nails done? Am I just a figment of their imagination?
How I respond to this question truly depends on my mood and if my children are with me. If I am in an unpleasant mood, I have said, “Let’s see, I change their dirty diapers and wipe their runny noses day in and day out. It certainly seems like I’m ‘real.’” If I am in a nicer mood, I have replied, “I am an adoptive parent so yes, I am their ‘real mom.’”
What angers most adoptive parents I have spoken to on this topic are that their children overhear strangers question as to whether their mom is “real”. To a child, if something is not “real,” then it’s fake. Never should a child doubt that the parent who cares for them day in and day out is a fake parent. Imagine what doubts that could place in their minds regarding their security.
Honestly, I feel that all of my children have two “real” mothers. One of us nurtured my child for their first months in utero and the other has nurtured them since. Both of us “really” have done or are doing our important role and should be insulted by strangers who imply one of us is fake. Without their real Birthmother and their real daily mom (me) my children would not be who they are today.
“Real Siblings?”
What questions are the main ones strangers ask me about my children? “Are they really siblings?” or “Is he/she their ‘real’ Sister/Brother?” This is asked within earshot of my children 99% of the time. I never heard this question until we adopted our second child so it took me awhile to figure out what these people were “really” asking.
At first I just assumed they were asking in a roundabout way if the children were both mine. I would reply “Yes, they’re siblings.” and the stranger would get wide-eyed and say “Wow. That’s amazing!” I soon realized that they were really asking if my children were from the same Birthmother. Why people think they can ask this surprises me to this day. Why people constantly ask it when my children are present surprises me even more.
Now that my children are older, I allow them to answer this question for themselves. For example, after I am asked the question I’ll ask my 6 year-old son, “Is she your sister?” My son always looks at me like I’m an idiot and replies, “Umm… yeah.” By that point the stranger usually realizes how silly their question was and that they should have asked it privately.
I believe strangers ask about the “realness” of my children’s siblings because my adoptions would be a lot more exciting should they have been from the same Birthmother. Never would those same people stop a woman in the dairy aisle and ask if her two children both came from her uterus. Yet, if the children are adopted it seems as if it’s fair game for these intrusive questions. I knew questions would be coming when I decided to be an adoptive parent but anticipated more respectful ones like, “What agency did you use?”
Originally, I thought my children only received this question because I adopted transracially. However, my friends who did not adopt children of a different race still get the same question from people once they discover the children were adopted. This is something adoptive parents should prepare themselves for if they pursue more than one adoption.
I would prefer if people not question how “real” my kids or I am. I understand strangers will ask questions because they are curious and don’t always understand how to properly phrase their adoption inquiries. However, by using the word “real” they could be implying that my family is not genuine. I know my family is 100% “real” no matter how we came together and I am positive every other adoptive family would agree if asked about their own.
Until the official definition of “real” does include the “sharing of DNA” I guess it’s OK to be slightly annoyed when that word is included when questioning my family. Right?
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
