Have you ever seen the Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid”? The premise is that there is a mermaid, Ariel, who longs to be a human and experience the world outside of the ocean. She has heard stories, seen paintings, and collected sunken treasures of this human world she had not seen in person. She is sad and frustrated that no matter how hard she tries there is nothing she can do to miraculously grow legs and survive outside of the ocean. She sings about her desire to become human in a song “Part of Your World.”
When I first heard that song years ago I thought, “Accept what you are Ariel and deal with it!” But looking back on my years of infertility I can understand more of that frustration that Ariel references. During my infertility journeys I wanted more than anything to be part of the “Mommy World.” From the stories I had heard it involved funny and priceless moments between Moms and their kids. I had seen it portrayed in movies, and on TV that it was all smiles and hugs. From all the toys and outfits in the stores it looked like a world full of fun times. The image I had of this “Mommy World” was fantastic and I ached daily to be part of it.
Yearning for “Mommy World”
Once my husband, Paul, and I began the adoption process I knew I was closer than ever to be part of “Mommy World.” I just knew I would get there and I would have tons of Mom friends and play with my child all day. How could I not then be healed of all my painful feelings left over from years of yearning for “Mommy World?”
Just as Ariel eventually got her wish of experiencing the human world, I became a proud parent of a newborn through adoption and was free to enter “Mommy World.” Ariel was amazed by all of the new things she saw on land, such as carriages and beautiful clothing. I too was amazed by all of the new things of my new world such as how much I could love a child.
But as much as I thought I was ready for “Mommy World” based on what I had seen and heard, I wasn’t. I had only seen Moms pushing strollers, families opening gifts together on Christmas morning and other “Hallmark” moments. No one told me all the details of this world like illnesses, potty training, temper tantrums, food issues, colic, not meeting developmental milestones, and other stressful situations. Paul would jokingly say, “You’d think with all the money we spent on our adoption, we’d at least get a baby that didn’t cry so much.” We were both honestly surprised how difficult parenthood really was on a day to day basis.
These are issues all new parents experience so this is when I thought I could lean on all my new “Mommy World” friends. But where were they? I had lost a lot of friendships with people during infertility because either they got pregnant or else I was afraid they’d get pregnant any day. After six months of mainly staying at home with my new Son I decided to go out and meet new Moms. I joined some child classes that were just as much for the new Moms as it was for the children. This was part of the “Mommy World” that I was excited about. Now I’d have tons of play dates and sit around and chat about my kids with these new friends.
Not Belonging
No one reminds you that in “Mommy World” most of the women gave birth to their baby. For some reason this means a majority of these women love talking to other women about their pregnancy, their delivery, their physical recovery from delivery and breastfeeding. I understand that these women would need support if they were having current issues and needed help. But why must everyone compare stories about how quickly they dilated (whatever that means) and how swollen their ankles got? Don’t they know it’s “Mommy World” where you discuss current things going on with your child? How did I wind up in “Fertile Land” where you discuss how you conceived, carried and delivered your child?
I quickly realized that the world I had ached and longed for so long was not as exciting as I thought it would be. Ariel loved the human world and thrived on no longer a mermaid. I wasn’t exactly thriving by being a new Mom in this new world. I felt very lost and confused. How was it that I worked so hard for this and it’s not at all as I pictured it? I felt very out of place at Mom’s groups as I could not be part of conversations that I didn’t even want to be overhearing, such as tips for breastfeeding.
Feelings within me from my infertility days raced back to me. Again I felt like a failure because I could not have a successful pregnancy. When I went through infertility treatments I avoided all “Mommy” talk. Now that I was a Mommy I still wanted to avoid all of that talk because I was still an outsider. I knew I had to do something different.
Finding a New “World”
I decided to reach out to some women whom I met in my previous infertility and adoption support groups. Some of them were new parents and some achieved parenthood awhile ago. Even though all I knew of them were infertility diagnoses or what adoption agency they used, we began to get together as “Moms.” Something wonderful happened when we did this. The talk was actually about our children and what was going on in the present! We shared tips about how to deal with teething, what TV shows were age appropriate and how to give up control to allow our husbands to change diapers the way they thought were best.
Unexpectedly there was additional talk that was welcomed amongst us. Everyone was open to discussing adoption concerns like attachment issues, Birthmother contact and not having a full medical background for our children. Everyone was familiar with adoption so there were no insensitive questions toward my Son or I. It was great talking to others who were currently going through similar situations.
Here We Go Again…
When my Son was about two years old, I had more old infertility emotions arise once again. Apparently in “Mommy World” this is about when you start planning or trying for your next child. Many times during my Son’s gym classes I’d overhear the fertile Moms say, “It only took two months to become pregnant with this one so I’m sure I’ll be pregnant in no time.” or “We already have a Summer baby so I think we’ll try for a Winter one this time.” or “We’re going to have our kids three years apart.”
Each time I would hear these types of comments I wanted to yell at them, “Do you realize how lucky you are? First of all, you know that you will get pregnant. Second, you are able to plan for when your new baby will be born. And third, you don’t have to fill out tons of paperwork and spend tens of thousands of dollars!” Obviously I had some anger about the unfairness that I was unable to pick and choose exactly when I’d have our next child. I could do everything I could on the paperwork end but not until potential Birthparents selected us and followed through on their adoption plan would there be a new baby in my arms. I had no control over that.
Again I leaned on my Mom friends from the infertility and adoption worlds during the adoption process for my second child. They were the ones who supported me when we had an adoption fall through after months of working with potential Birthparents. They knew the right thing to say to me. Never did they say, “It will happen when the time is right.” or “You knew the risks of adoption, didn’t you?” These wonderful friends in my version of “Mommy World” just listened and never judged me or the way my family was being formed.
Find Moms Now
I highly recommend to women who attend my Adoption Support Group meeting to not wait until they are Moms to set up their support system of fellow Moms. That was a major mistake I had made. I had expected for Moms to come out of the woodwork to be friends with me especially as it felt like I had seen Moms with their children every 10 feet when I was trying to become a Mom myself.
I suggest to those in my Adoption Support Group meetings to keep in touch via e-mails or phone calls while in the adoption process because they could be great resources to each other after they get their children. Seeing if your agency offers any get togethers for new adoptive families is another way to meet other adoptive parents. There are also plenty of online community forums which have sections for local parents and arrange play dates or Mom’s Night Out events. Sometimes these local forums have sub-sections for specific types of Moms and “Adoptive Moms” may be listed. Even if you don’t know a single soul who will be there it’s worth it to attend, even before you adopt, to find other women who you can reach out to once you are an adoptive Mom.
Enjoying “Mommy World”
Seven years and three children later, I am still thrilled to be part of “Mommy World.” Sure the world was not as I originally imagined it but it has worked out just fine. I know now that all the hard work, years of waiting, and tons of paperwork were completely worth it. As I am no longer a new parent and overwhelmed with every detail, I can happily state that the “Hallmark” moments do outweigh the stressful times. But I may not have gotten to that realization without the necessary support of other Moms.
At the end of “The Little Mermaid,” Ariel remains in human form and waves good-bye to her fellow ocean friends. I can say that now I am content in my new “Mommy World” and can wave good-bye to my struggles of trying to achieve parenthood. I am surprised how difficult to was to get to this point and am grateful to my amazing Mom friends who helped me along the way. Sure there are some things that will always be reminders of my former world, such as a pang of jealously at a birth announcement or my hatred of baby showers, but I hope that will lessen over the years.
The final lyrics of the song, “Part of Your World” are “When’s it my turn/ Wouldn’t I love/ Love to explore that shore above?/ Out of the sea/ Wish I could be/ Part of that world.” It is my honest hope that anyone struggling to achieve parenthood via infertility or adoption will soon become part of the “Mommy World” they are aching for. Start preparing now as it will soon be your turn and you will love it just as Ariel loved walking along the shore.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
This is Great! I can relate, now that we have our baby girl FINALLY it’s a little easier to be around my friends that were able to have their babies but the way we became parents is soooo different! Getting together with the girls I connected with from the meetings is comfortable and we can relate to each other’s concerns and give each other tips. I am SO GREATFUL to you and the IAS group for helping me feel normal!!!