When my oldest son, Keith, was in Kindergarten I would volunteer in his classroom. The first time or two I arrived in his room and he ran over to give me a big hug, I noticed confused looks on some of his classmates’ faces. Then I heard some of them whisper to Keith, “Is SHE your Mom?” or “How can she be your MOM?” He would proudly answer, “Yes that’s my Mom.” and “She just is.”
He probably didn’t understand why he was getting the third degree about his Mom. I clearly understood that it was because they assumed Keith’s Mom would look him with dark skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair. Then I walked in with my light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I would have been surprised if the children didn’t question if I was actually his Mom.
Teacher Talk
After discussing this with Keith’s Kindergarten teacher I discovered that she understood our family well as she too was adopted as an infant. How lucky was I to have her as Keith’s teacher? She then educated her class about adoption, had adoption-friendly books on her bookshelves and celebrated her “Forever Family Day” with the children. Soon enough all the questions directed at Keith ended and they all saw we acted like any other family.
This year I decided to approach Keith’s 1st Grade teacher early on and ask if I could do an adoption presentation. I really needed to do this now before Keith was older and therefore embarrassed to have his Mom in the classroom. His teacher was very enthusiastic and asked for me to present when Keith was assigned to be “Star of the Week.”
Should I Do This?
To prepare I read many articles from the Adoptive Families website, posted on forums asking for suggestions, and spoke to other adoptive parents for ideas. I was shocked by how many adoptive parents were appalled that I would do this presentation at all. They believe that it’s the child’s story (even though I said I was only going to discuss “adoption” in a general way) and I would just embarrass my child. I was told that I only need to arm my child with the information and allow him and his teacher to wield classmate’s questions.
I mulled these suggestions over and had second thoughts. Who did I want to do this presentation for? Keith’s classmates? Keith? His teacher? Me? Then I realized that the answer was all of them. I couldn’t find a reason why educating classmates and the teacher would be harmful. I just needed to do it in a respectful way for Keith and for adoptive families everywhere.
Prepping for My Talk
The week prior to my assigned time to be in his class, I let Keith know my intentions. I wanted to make sure that he understood and was comfortable with the content. When I told him that I was doing it because his classmates may not understand why we look so different, his response was, “We need to tell them that families do not have to look alike.” Guess all the children’s books about physical differences being OK within families were paying off!
There were wonderful articles at Adoptive Families online which helped me create my 20 minute presentation. Some tips were to keep it short, use props, don’t discuss my child’s adoption, read a book and leave time for children’s questions. I even found an amazing handout to give the children to discuss adoption further at home with their parents.
An Excited Son
The morning of my presentation Keith told me many times that he was excited for me to come talk to his class about adoption. As I walked into his school and headed toward his classroom I just happened to meet up with Keith’s class returning from P.E. His teacher told me that Keith had been telling everyone how his Mom was coming to school that day. I was glad to know he isn’t old enough to be embarrassed yet by his Mom’s presence.
Keith was in the back of the line when the children filed into the classroom. Quite a few of the children stared at me like I had two heads and asked, “Are YOU Keith’s Mom?” I even heard a few whisper, “I don’t get it” to one another.
I got a large hug from Keith and he showed me to a big rocking chair in front of all the children who were now sitting on the floor. He then sat in a smaller chair next to me. I have never seen him sit so tall and proud as when he introduced me.
Making Lists
I began by telling the children that I was going to talk about the word “adoption.” Maybe they had heard it related to zoo animals, dogs or cats, or even roads but babies were adopted too. Some of the children knew this but it was obvious some were hearing this for the first time. I continued to say that you could adopt a baby or a much older child, such as one who is already driving a car.
Then I pulled out one of my daughter’s dolls (this action did embarrass Keith) from my bag. I announced that her name was Maria and I wanted us to make two lists about her. One I labeled “Parents Do” and the other “Baby Needs.”
First I told all the children to look at Maria and tell me what were some things her “Parents Do” for her. Little hands flew up in the air and responses came pouring out of these 1st graders. I began to write a list out for all of them to see. Some of their answers were “give baths,” “hold her,” “feed her,” “change her diapers,” “give hugs,” and “put clothes on her.”
I next asked them to tell me some the things a “Baby Needs.” Again I had many answers to write on the list. Some were “diapers,” “bottles,” “binkies,” “a crib,” “clothes,” and “love.”
I told the class that they did an excellent job and we had wonderful lists. But we did forget one thing on the “Parents Do” list which is pretty important. We had forgotten “bring a baby into the world.”
Luckily I had read enough articles to prep for this presentation that I wasn’t caught off-guard when some children were anxious at this point to share their knowledge of how babies were made. The articles stated to be sure not to let the presentation veer off course into the “Birds and the Bees” territory. I said that we weren’t talking about that today and were going to only talk about babies arriving into the world.
Two Sets of Parents
I continued to say that some parents can bring babies into the world but are unable to provide all of the other things on our lists. Immediately I heard some children ask, “But why?” I said that the reasons are always big, grown-up reasons and never, ever have to do with the baby. These parents know that their grown-up reasons were too big so they had to find another family to adopt the baby.
The family that ends up adopting the baby is then the forever family. Then the baby, such as Maria, will have two sets of parents. There will be her birth parents that brought her into the world and her everyday parents.
One girl asked who Keith’s Birthparents were. I began to say that I wasn’t going to discuss Keith’s adoption. But Keith interrupted me with “It’s OK Mom.” and continued to tell her their names. I was blown away by this considering how some adoptive parents said that children will not want to discuss adoption details with classmates.
Had I just witnessed my Son show everyone how proud he was of the way he was brought into my life? Yes, he chose to share his personal information to further educate his friends. This was proof that Paul and I had raised him to be a wonderful adoption advocate.
Choco and Mrs. Bear
The second part of my presentation included me reading one of my all-time favorite adoption books, “A Mother for Choco” by Keiko Kasza. It’s an adorable story of a bird, Choco, trying to find his mother and assumes that she has to look like him. In the end, a friendly Mother bear, named Mrs. Bear, treats him like a Mother should. Choco realizes that being a Mother and a family isn’t about looks but how you act toward one another.
The class recognized the correlation between the motherly actions of Mrs. Bear and the list they had made for what “Parents Do.” I pointed out that for that on our list no one said that the parents had to look like their children. I continued on about how families don’t have to look alike to be a “Forever family.” Next to me Keith said, “Yeah. We don’t look anything alike but we’re a family.”
When I asked for questions most of them had to do with the book. They were along the lines of, “So it was OK that Mrs. Bear wasn’t a bird because she did the things that Choco needed?” and “Did she end up adopting Choco?”
Finally my time was up and I told the class how they will all go home with information about adoption which they can talk to their family about. Their teacher then stood and explained to the class why a fellow teacher missed the first six weeks of school. She had just adopted a new child. I could see in the children’s faces that they clearly understood what their teacher had said. Some even said, “She’s just like Mrs. Bear!”
A Successful Presentation
I walked out of Keith’s class very satisfied with my talk. There was neither awkwardness nor embarrassment. My intentions were to educate his classmates and teacher and I felt as if I had.
Once Keith came home at the end of the day I asked him about my talk. He told me it was “So cool.” He said some children asked him questions like, “How did you get into your Birth mother’s tummy?” I asked if those questions bothered him and he said “Nope. I just answered them. That’s all.”
I am sure that my adoption information made an impact in Keith’s classroom. Now when I go back to volunteer there Keith won’t be bombarded by probing questions of how we are related. Now when these children hear the word “adoption” they won’t just think of zoo animals. Maybe now some of their parents are looking at the handout which was sent home and better know what positive adoption language to use for their friends who are adopting. And now it is clear to me that my son, Keith, is an amazing role model of transracial adoption and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
Now I am prepared to do this same talk two more times in the future for my daughter and other son when they too are in school. I can’t wait.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
I think it is great that you talked to the class at their level about a topic that they might not know much about. The more kids know, the less likely they are to make uniformed conclusions that could hurt others.
Very infromative. You did a nice job of explaining that family is really just about people lovign and caring for each other. Keith is still the diplomate, I see. He is not only making it easier for peers to understand the difference in racial makeup is only skin deep and real feelings so deeper, he is paving the way for others to accept all of his siblings.
I especially like the reference to Mrs. Bear. I think that really makes the whole idea of adoption understandable for kids.
Wow. I am just tearing up and crying all over the place. You did such a wonderful job researching and planning and executing, I am so impressed. The kids are lucky to have a Mom like you that wants to help smooth their path as well as make the world a better, more embracing place for all kids.
Danielle,
This was a very touching account for me to read. I kept thinking how great it would have been all those years ago for me to do this for Nora and John, and kept identifying with the questioning stares of the children. Over the years I kind of stopped noticing, but just a few weeks ago I was somewhere with Nora where I noticed an adults quesitoning look when I casually introduced my 29 year old Nora as my daughter.
And how wonderful that Keith understands without question - just like Nora and John seem to. Keith is such a great kid, wish we could see him and all of you more often.
Danielle–What a great description of your adoption presentation. I’m glad it went so well! Your son, Keith, sounds like quite a bright, poised boy! Great to hear how open and proud he is about his story and adoption in general–means you must be doing something right in the way you talk about it at home!