Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.
I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same! Isn’t that amazing? Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”
This woman’s daughter immediately stopped playing with her brother, looked down at the ground and appeared very embarrassed. My heart went out to this little girl because I had the feeling I wasn’t witnessing the first time her Mother had done this.
Since the singing had ended thanks to their Mother’s actions, my Son became bored and ran off to another display. I happily chased after him to get away from a situation where I didn’t want to open my mouth and converse with this woman who had just annoyed me. The only thing I wanted to say was, “We’re from Missouri (where our home is at). Are you from there too?”
I was furious with this other Mother for making her daughter feel like an outcast. How can this girl feel like a true member of her family if she is getting singled out as the different one? Later I saw this girl with her three brothers who were all Caucasian with blue eyes and blonde hair. She obviously stuck out from them. Did she really need her Mother to make her appearance even more obvious by discussing it while right in front of her?
As an adoptive Mother through transracial adoptions, I understand the need to make connections with families that look like my own. It’s nice to know that there are others facing similar adoption challenges. But there is a clear difference between the way this Mom tried to get information out of me instead of approaching me tactfully.
She could have stepped up next to me and softly asked questions. “Are you an adoptive parent too?” or “Is he Hispanic? My daughter is.” or “He’s so cute. He reminds me of my daughter. Did you adopt him?” would have been better than passively trying to get her daughter to ask me about my Son’s adoption.
I hope that a majority of adoptive parents would have also been offended by this other Mother’s actions. I hope that anyone who would be considering a transracial adoption could tell that this situation was not handled correctly and would act different if it were them.
And most of all, I hope that the girl I saw happily playing with her brother feels embraced by her family and never feels like an outcast again.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
