More than once after I made the decision to adopt, I was told by people, “Just wait – now you’ll get pregnant!” I usually gave a polite laugh and said something like, “Well that would be a surprise!” In my mind I was rudely saying “It be a heck of a lot cheaper.” or “Who knew all I had to do was stop infertility treatments to get them to work correctly?” or “Do you think I’m not happy to be adopting?”
I think people say this familiar comment because they honestly do not know what to say when they learn adoption plans from someone who has tried so long to get pregnant. They aren’t aware how much time, effort and gut wrenching emotion had been put into the decision to end infertility treatments and pursue adoption.
People have heard from someone somewhere at some time about some woman who got pregnant once she decided to adopt. This story has become a bit of folk wisdom spouted as freely as, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” When others simplify your life into a cliche which isn’t even based on facts it tends to be annoying to say the least.
The fact is the number of infertile people who get pregnant after pursuing adoption is the same number as infertile people who get pregnant after ending infertility treatments. The factor of deciding to adopt or adopting a child is not relevant.
I know a handful of couples who have gotten pregnant without infertility treatments once they chose adoption or had adopted. They were extremely surprised and happy not to have to spend the time and money on adoption. I have been told by some of these couples that they were even a bit mad that they got pregnant. That was because they didn’t want to become the “cliche” which had annoyed them so much before.
As for me, I am convinced that my family is complete. If pigs decided to take flight and I became pregnant, I would be thrilled. But I’m not going to hold onto baby clothes in hopes of this happening. I am going to move on with my life and not get wrapped up in the “Could I be pregnant?” game. My focus is only on the three children who are already in my family.
Recently, my husband, Paul, told me a story regarding this topic of others expecting us to be waiting to become pregnant since we adopted.. Paul’s co-worker announced that his wife was pregnant with their 4th child. Paul told him that he couldn’t imagine having four kids because three make for a pretty hectic household. The co-worker (who knew we had adopted our children) said with a matter-of-fact tone, “Hey don’t count out having more kids. You never know…” Paul looked at him like he had two heads and replied, “What? Am I accidentally going to fill out some paperwork?”
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
AMEN! We are toying with the idea of returning to FertilityCare for the purpose of fixing the weirdness in my cycles. It is an extensive, expensive process that involves all kinds of hormonal evaluation, as wall as laparoscopy and other surgical processes to finally diagnose the problem so it can be fixed. We are not counting on getting pregnant (and are, in fact, “waiting” for baby #2 through adoption). But if we did clear up the problem and become pregnant, I can only imagine the comments. “Boy, were you surprised? You know what they say about adoption and pregnancy! Who knew that all you had to do is adopt a couple of kids to get pregnant?” I can only imagine the kind of retorts I would come up with for THAT. People say really, really stupid things.
That’s really brilliant. Accidentally fill out paperwork.
My mother would constantly say the same thing over and over to us because the old urban myth actually happened to her neighbor. She adopted and she got pregnant right after finalization. We hated that story but for her, that was the only family she knew that went through adoption. Still drives us nuts to hear about it…
Another great Article! When I was waiting (particularly for my 2nd child) and people would give the ol’ “now you’ll get pregnant” line… if I was feeling good humored I’d blurt out, “Gosh, I HOPE not!!!” It was always met with a very shocked reaction, that I secretly loved.
I always struggled with that - why is it that people think those who are waiting to adopt REALLY hope they’ll get pregnant instead. For us, nothing could have been further from the truth. Now I just tell them, “have you MET our two fabulous kids? How could WE ever make anyone more perfect than them?”
Now that we have our daughter home, everyone is constantly telling us how much she looks like the two of us, which I know is them trying to find some way of connecting her to us, but she already is without having to look like us. My comment lately about her looks is that we couldn’t have done it better ourselves.
I love the “accidentally fill out paperwork” line, that’s classic. I think my biggest FEAR is becoming the cliche, I love our daughter so much, and couldn’t imagine our family any other way right now. If we had gotten pregnant, we wouldn’t have her, and that just wouldn’t do.
We just filled out our application and in telling people that we’re working on adopting my favorite is the “Wow, we thought you’d try to have your own.” Really? I’m oh so tempted just to blurt out “I didn’t know we could make them ourselves!”
Do people really think adoption is the cure for infertility???
“Accidentally fill out paperwork.” Brilliant! I’m going to use it!
I found your blog through Adoptive Families. Love it!
I’m using it - “accidentally fill out paperwork” - perfect!
Even my *OB* used this line on me! I was like, ‘no, not you! Please don’t!’ She hasn’t been my OB that long, God bless her, but after 3 years of infertility treatment and 2 miscarriages, I really didn’t need to hear that - from her.
We’re in the midst of our homestudy paperwork now. It’s a little daunting, but we’ll get there.