Recently I had the pleasure of being asked to present to a group of adoption social workers from a local agency. The topic I covered was “Understanding the Infertile Adoptive Couple.” This is a subject I feel knowledgeable about as I entered adoption from the infertility world. I have also met many people who meet this description since I’ve been either participating in or leading infertility and adoption support groups over the past nine years.
If you ask someone if a couple’s adoption journey would be affected by their fertility status, then they’d likely answer, “No.” Why would it make a difference if someone could or could not have biological children? All prospective adoptive parents have to go through the same screening process and fill out the same paperwork, right?
Of course the fertile and infertile prospective adoptive couples need to complete the same forms. Yet there is a difference concerning the emotions each couple experienced before they chose to fill out the forms, during the time they completed the adoption process and even after they have their child home.
The differences of the infertile couple are ones that their adoption social worker should be familiar with. There may be specific questions they need to ask, like “What steps are you taking to mourn the loss of a physical pregnancy?”, “Are you battling depression? If so are you getting help?”, or “Is your social network of friends currently strained from all the stress from your infertility journey?”
The Social Worker as a Resource
It’s possible that the prospective adoptive parents are wary of mentioning some of their issues related to their infertility. They may not want to say that they have mixed emotions regarding the potential birthmother who so easily got pregnant and didn’t receive prenatal care. The couple may be faking some of their excitement about the adoption process because they are scared of getting their hopes up and then being disappointed. This is because of the pain caused from experiencing repeated disappointment during infertility treatments. I have heard from couples that they are worried about describing these feelings because then their social worker will say they aren’t ready to adopt.
The adoption social workers I have met, including the ones I presented to, are usually surprised when I tell them that couples may be scared to mention their infertility feelings. The social workers stressed to me that their job is not to “fail” the prospective adoptive couple. They are there to help the couple through the complicated adoption process. This doesn’t only mean helping with the mounds of paperwork but also with the emotions which arise during the adoption journey.
If the prospective adoptive couple has an emotional issue which needs addressing then their social worker is a great resource for them to turn to. They have training in this field and have met many other couples in the same situation. The social worker can offer counseling, tips, advice and resources. They understand that this is an emotionally draining process and you can’t be “on” the entire time. The social worker will know your past with infertility and be sensitive about it. They aren’t going to make you rub a pregnant woman’s belly before they will finish your adoption home study.
Leftover Infertility Feelings
There is a misconception that the infertile couple needs to be “over and done with” their infertility feelings before they adopt. Yes, they need to recognize these feelings and work through them. Yet for most couples I know, including myself, they will never get completely “over” their infertility. It is part of their identity and going through it has made who they are today. I don’t believe it’s something to be shameful of. Instead the couple needs to choose to not have their infertility status be their only identity.
At a recent Adoption Support Group meeting, the attendees were discussing this exact topic. People were frustrated how once they chose adoption, some of their loved ones assumed they weren’t going to feel sad anymore about their infertility. One husband said, “Pretend you had a child and they died. Later you became pregnant. People wouldn’t expect you to stop mourning the loss of your first child just because you’re excited for your new child.” He was presenting this analogy to show that it’s OK to have two conflicting emotions at the same time. Neither of those emotions needs to cancel out the other. So if a couple needs to mourn the loss of a biological child while filling out paperwork to adopt a non-biological child, then they should.
Social Workers for the Potential Birthparents
The adoption social workers I presented to included those who worked with potential birthparents. Thanks to open adoptions, the potential birthparents may know that the potential adoptive couple were unable to get pregnant. Yet they probably don’t spend time thinking about how it emotionally drained the couple. If the potential birthparents’ social worker understands more about the infertility journeys couples go through then they can share this information with their clients.
For our first adoption, Paul and I communicated with potential birthparents for two months before the baby’s due date. They knew we had experienced infertility but we didn’t talk about it with them as we wanted to focus on the future. However, as the due date got closer and the real possibility of us becoming parents hit me, I got really scared. I was worried that I’d be ready for a baby only to have everything fall through. I thought I was hiding my feelings well until I got a call from my agency saying that the potential birthmother noticed that I didn’t seem excited about the baby’s arrival. She was worried that we weren’t interested anymore. This was the furthest thing from the truth!
I immediately called the potential birthmother and had a long talk with her. I explained more of what emotions we went through during our previous three years with infertility. She did not realize how often we got excited about the possibility of a pregnancy only to have a negative test or a miscarriage. I told her that I had developed a wall guarding my emotions of hope and excitement. I knew I had to take that wall down and finally allow myself to trust again. If I didn’t seem excited when discussing the baby with the potential birthmother then it had to do with issues from my past and not that I didn’t want to adopt. She completely understood and was glad it was just a misunderstanding.
I have been told similar situations from other adoptive parents communicating with potential birthparents. These are just simple situations where one side doesn’t fully understand the other’s past. Unfortunately it can snowball into a much larger issue. Just as the prospective adoption parents’ social worker counsels on the background of the potential birthparents, the potential birthparents’ social worker should counsel them on the prospective adoptive couple’s background, including emotions from their infertility journey.
All in all, the adoption social worker is an excellent advocate for the prospective adoptive couple and the potential birthparents. If they live up to their job standards by being good listeners, educators and counselors then there is no reason not to open up to them. The adoption process is complicated enough without your infertility past rearing its ugly head. The social worker, who is well versed in the additional issues surrounding an infertile adoptive couple, is yet one more advocate on the prospective adoptive couple’s side.
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
Very well said. I know I have a wall up around my heart after all we have been through. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem possible that dreams do come true.
We are so early in the adoption process, and my heart is breaking for the biological child I cannot have. It is good to know that having conflicting emotions is normal and ok.
Useful information well presented. It presents issues I haven’t thought much about.