When you are in the process of adopting with a domestic agency you may meet someone else who is also a client of the same agency. Finding out this information can bring up some very different emotions. First, you may feel happiness and relief to talk to someone else in the process who truly “gets it.” You could discuss who in the agency has been helpful thus far, what roadblocks you may have faced or any other inside scoop on the agency you’re both using. Eventually though you may feel that you have just talked to your competition.
Both of your profiles may be viewed by the same potential birthparents. You may start to compare the two of you in your mind. “Well they are both planning on being working parents but I’ll stay home with our baby. So we should get picked first.” Or “They may get picked first because their family is local and ours is not. I bet potential birthparents would like their baby to have family around.” These emotions may sound petty but it’s hard to know if you’ll have them until you’ve been in the situation.
Trying Not to Compare
At my monthly Adoption Support Meetings it’s not uncommon to have more than one couple using the same agency. I try to tell them that it’s natural to view one another as competition but they really are not. No two sets of potential birthparents are alike and neither are two sets of potential adoptive parents. You can’t compare yourself with another couple who are using the same agency as you have no idea what the potential birthparents are looking for. Some potential birthparents could be looking for a family which has children already while others may want their baby to be the first born. Some may want a couple who lives in a rural community but others may want a city life for their child.
When you meet another potential adoptive couple who is in the same adoptive pool as you, you could discover that they are a lot like you. Maybe you both live in similar neighborhoods, have the same hobbies and own two dogs and a cat. Of course you’d both be considered by the same potential birthparents, right? Not exactly.
You won’t know what the other couple filled out on their adoption paperwork. How much alcohol exposure in the potential birthmother were they open to? Would they consider a baby if there was a family history of mental illness? Are they wanting to make annual visits to the birth family? Is private schooling the only option they will consider for their future child? These are only a few questions of many which would decide if you’d be shown to the same potential birthparents. You don’t know the the other couple’s answers to these questions nor should you pry about them. This is a main reason why you shouldn’t view other couples you meet as “competition.”
Welcomed Support
Since this other couple isn’t “competition” I recommend you remaining in contact with them. Treat it as a relationship like with any other potential adoptive couple. What better support than from someone else who is experiencing the ups and downs with adoption right along side you? I think the agency workers, the social workers and your loved ones can only provide a certain amount of understanding of the process. Only someone who has been through or is going through the adoption process can understand the terms and feelings involved. You don’t have to take extra time to educate them about adoption which is a nice change of pace for most potential adoptive parents.
To help facilitate a good relationship with this other couple, you should communicate early on about how you will handle touchy situations. For example, what they get selected for a potential case before you? You may not know your answer now but possibly it could be difficult to be around them once they have their baby. You’d be happy for them but could need some distance until you become a parent yourself. Talking about this before the situation arises is smart to do in order not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
My Past “Competition”
Since deciding to adopt over seven years ago, I have made many friends who are adoptive parents or in the process to adopt. Every couple I meet brings me more insight to this amazing process. The first new friend I made after deciding to adopt was a woman I met at an Adoption Support Meeting. At this point I had no idea what agency I was going to use. This woman next to me had just completed a ton of research and was willing to share it with the group. She said the agency she was using was actually in need of potential adoptive parents. She seemed very nice and intelligent so I took down the agency’s information, contacted them and signed with them immediately.
I admit that I did think of her and her husband as Paul and my “competition” and was worried. They were more financially stable than us, they traveled often, were an amazing couple and should be selected immediately in my opinion. They finished her paperwork well before us but we were the ones who got selected first. I was shocked and eventually found out that we were open to different ethnicities than her. We weren’t even being considered for the same adoption cases! I had wasted time comparing myself to her when I could have been using my energy to be more productive toward our relationship. I felt guilty that I took all of her research, used her agency and became a parent before her. She was genuinely happy for me and I admired her for that.
Advice I Wish I Had
Looking back I wish that early on when deciding to adopt I would have been told about the importance of allowing people who were already in the process into my life. I was so convinced that others were my competition and if I helped them then they’d be selected to be the parents of my potential baby. I now know that my children were not meant to have other parents adopt them. Paul and I were the ones to be selected to parent our children no matter how many people I thought I was competing against.
So go out there and meet others in the adoption process. Consider asking your agency if there are other couples in your area whom you could contact. Don’t be intimidated, jealous or be competitive toward these couples. They are just like you in trying to adopt a child. Share your story with them and listen to theirs. Odds are you’ll learn some useful information and may even find a good friend along the way.
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Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
