Sometimes I feel like in my adoption articles I portray the more negative view of adoption. People may think you aren’t a “real” parent! Children may tease your daughter for looking different than you! Television shows portray adoptees as having severe emotional issues! I write about these things to prepare adoptive parents for any situation that may arise. My first adoption happened so quickly that I don’t feel like I got enough information beforehand to prepare me for awkward questions, conversations, looks and inaccurate assumptions about my children. I would hate for any other adoptive parent to feel the same way with their first child.

Recently, I have been telling myself to focus more on the positive aspects of adoption. Obviously I’m thrilled to be a parent through adoption and love my life with my children. Why do I need to prep prospective adoptive parents for insensitive situations? People are more welcoming of adoption than in the past. Transracial familial relationships are not uncommon anymore. Families are formed in all different ways and aren’t being hidden from the public eye.

Yet all it takes is one conversation with a stranger to remind me that I must always be ready to talk about adoption.

Out of Nowhere…

I was at a mall’s playground with my one year-old son, Brent, and my four year-old daughter, Irena. Brent ran over to a little girl in a stroller in order to see what she was eating. Next to the stroller was the girl’s grandmother who I estimated was in her early 50s. This grandmother had a large friendly smile for my son and I.

Woman (W): Oh, he is so cute! Is he from South America?

Me (M): No, he’s from here. He’s Hispanic though.

W: Oh I know that. Is his Dad Mexican?

M: No. I’m an adoptive parent.

W: Oh! So you don’t have any children of your own?

M: No, I do. I have three children – through adoption.

W: You and your husband didn’t want any children of your own so you adopted? Did you even try to have any of your own?

M: We were unable to have any biological children so…

W: (Interrupting) You adopted three children who needed a home. How wonderful. How were you able to? What does your husband do for a living?

M: He’s a computer geek for a large local company.

W: That makes sense. Your children are so very lucky that you adopted them. They are so blessed. Are your other children here?

M: Yes, that’s my daughter in the pink shirt running over here.

W: She is beautiful. Look at her black hair! (Then talks to Irena) Se habla espanol?

Irena just stares at her.

W: Se habla espanol?

Irena buries her face into my side.

M: She doesn’t speak Spanish.

W: Oh you need to teach her. Just look at her!

M: I adopted my children as babies so…

W: (Interrupting) You really should teach her.

Irena runs off.

W: Your son looks cross-eyed. You should get him checked out.

M: Actually it’s because he has a wide nose bridge. It’s common with Asian and Hispanic children. They look slightly cross-eyed but it’s just an optical allusion because of the bridge.

W: Hmmm….I don’t know about that. My grandson was cross-eyed and needed surgery. You should have him checked out.

M: He recently saw his optometrist who is the head of the Pediatrics department at the University Hospital and was just fine.

W: He looks cross-eyed. Doesn’t matter where your boy’s from. You should have him checked-out again.

I look over to see that Irena has dumped my diaper bag out on the floor looking for a snack to eat.

M: Well, I have to go as my daughter appears to be hungry.

I quickly run away from this woman with Brent in my arms.

Did That Just Happen?

So why did I have such a lengthy conversation with this woman? Part of me was in shock. Part of me was utterly amazed how many adoption faux pas she said. Part of me was thinking this was a learning moment for me. And part of me was thinking of writing this very article to help remind people to always keep on their toes. No matter how friendly someone’s smile is you never can predict what will come out of their mouth.

In case you didn’t catch the parts of this conversation which annoyed me, here are some highlights:

1. She assumed I did an international adoption because my child was not white

2. She referred to my children as not my “own”

3. She thought I adopted only because I couldn’t have any biological children

4. She said my children were “lucky” to have been adopted

5. She only spoke Spanish to my daughter because of her race

6. When I tried to educate her about the eyes of different races she didn’t believe me

All the way to my car from the playground I was replaying the conversation in my head. Did I respond to that woman’s questions OK? Not exactly. It’s difficult when you are in the moment to remember what you should say. I don’t regret any of my responses but afterward I thought of better words I could have used.

Suggestions From My Husband

When I retold this conversation to my husband, Paul, he told me some responses I could have said. A sampling of his responses which I was able to write on a family friendly website include:

Woman (W): Oh! So you don’t have any children of your own?

Paul’s Suggestion (PS): You did just here me call him my son right? Was that confusing to you?

Woman (W): Oh, he is so cute! Is he from South America?

PS: You do that that there are millions of baby’s born every year that don’t have white skin, don’t you? Most “dark” skinned people you meet in the US, were born in the US, just like the white people you see. My son was born in the US.

W: Se habla espanol?

PS: You wouldn’t start talking German to a baby born in the US, with parents who were already 3^rd generation German would you? Why would she know Spanish?

I liked Paul’s suggestions but it was easy for him to come up with them sitting at a computer with all the time in the world. When there is someone staring at you waiting for your response and you are trying to think of the best words to use, it’s quite difficult to be witty. Maybe I should call Paul and put him on speakerphone next time I run into a grandmother like this again.

Preparation Is All You Need

You don’t know when these situations will arise. I take my children to playgrounds often and usually strike up conversations with the other adults. I assume people will say the right things all the time. Silly, I know. It’s also silly because I constantly tell people entering adoption that they will have to have their guard up and be adoption advocates for their future children. Whenever I become lax in my own life on this issue, a conversation like the one I had with the woman at the playground occurs.

These are the conversations you have to be on your toes for. Odds are you know when you’ll have to have dinner with your closed-minded Aunt or be at a birthday party with your racist brother-in-law. You can be prepared with answers for the annoying adoption questions and comments you are sure to hear.

What you can’t be always ready for is hearing it from strangers such as the ones in the dairy aisle, the cashiers at the store or even from the sweet grandmothers at the playground. Because of this, it’s my recommendation to think about conversations such as the one I described above. Discuss it with your partner and practice giving responses to one another. Odds are no matter how much your child through adoption looks like you, you’ll be in a situation like mine at some point.

I’ll still continue to strike up conversations with strangers. I’ll also continue to discuss adoption with them. There is no way I would stop two of my favorite things (talking about my children and talking about adoption) out of fear of being in an awkward situation again.

_________________

Danielle I. Pennel

Three Yellow Roses

threeyellowroses.com

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 30th, 2010 at 6:31 PM and is filed under Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.