As a parent I am always trying to teach my children how to be grateful for all that they have. It’s a challenging thing to do in our society when we are always bombarded with “more,” “bigger” and “better.” We can easily get the impression that we don’t have enough and therefore can’t be happy. Gratefulness is a trait that I am constantly working on for myself which adds to the difficulty of teaching it to my children.
One aspect of feeling grateful is not to be jealous toward those who have something which you desire. I obviously went through this when I struggled with years of infertility whenever I saw a pregnant woman or parents with a little child. My jealously of their parenthood overwhelmed me. Now I am blessed to be one of those parents with three adorable children in my home thanks to the miracle of adoption.
So what should I feel jealous about? There are a few things that come to mind. None of them are things that I am proud about yet I will still own up to them. I hope that by owning and sharing these thoughts that other adoptive parents may be able to relate, and see that they are not alone.
Pregnancy
The first jealously I admit to concerns pregnant women. I was not a woman who was anxious to go through the joys and struggles of pregnancy and birth. That seems weird to admit to considering the extreme lengths I went through with infertility treatments. Achieving a successful pregnancy was a stage I personally had to try on my journey to parenthood. Now as a parent, my jealously about pregnancy is that they have control of their baby in utero, which is something I never had.
Whenever they deliver their child they won’t have the added stress of not knowing whether they will leave the hospital with that baby. The delivery of my children was exciting but there was a huge underlying fear that I would not be able to bring them home with me. I don’t have a desire to be pregnant anymore but I am jealous of those who have say over how their unborn child is treated and can then deliver them with joy, and not fear, in their hearts about new parenthood.
You Look Just Like…
Another jealously has to do with the children who are biologically connected with their parents and therefore look like them. How often have you said to a parent, “Your daughter looks like a mini-you!” or “He has your eyes.”? I know I have made similar comments to parents I meet in playgroups or on playgrounds. Hearing these comments makes me jealous of those families where you can easily see their genetic connection.
One of my adorable nephews looks like my husband when he was little. When I hold him and catch a glimpse of us in a mirror my heart flip-flops because I think, “This is what I would have looked like had I given birth.” It just looks natural to me. Am I feeling regret? No. I feel irrational guilt that I didn’t provide my husband, Paul, a mini-version of him. I also feel jealously that other fathers have little clones of them running around. I know Paul could care less about this as he has told me so a minimum of a thousand times.
Does this mean I have doubts of my adoptions? Does this mean I shouldn’t have adopted transracially? Am I disappointed with the way my family looks? Absolutely not! I love how my family is non-traditional and has a combination of varied genetic backgrounds. It makes us an interesting family. I think this jealously leads back to me knowing that my children will never hear those comments about themselves. Paul and I can see the genetic connections as we have met all of their birthparents, but the random mom at the swing set hasn’t. My children will hear comments about how different they look from Paul and I and not the similarities. Yes, I know this is part of the territory that comes with adoption, specifically transracial adoptions, but I don’t think that means I have to be happy with it 100% of the time.
Money, Money and Money
My third pang of jealously is something that I don’t see going away soon. When your neighbor gets a brand new car, your friend spends a week away at a spa, or your sister moves into a house twice the size of yours, I think it’s natural to have some jealous feelings. You may think, “Well, he works so much it’s no wonder he can take his kids to Disney annually” or “She really must have saved over a long time in order to afford that new big screen television.” These comments may be true. But Paul and I have worked hard and saved our money, so why can’t we run out and make big purchases on a whim?
When I see a parent splurge on a large purchase I think “They must be fertile and therefore got their child for free.” Not a very nice thought, right? As an infertile couple, Paul and I had to spend a lot of money in order to have the family we have today. We were conservative with our money and saved appropriately. That was the only way we were able to spend six figures for infertility treatments and three adoptions. Silly us in thinking we’d have children the old-fashioned (aka: free) way. We currently aren’t living hand to mouth but we have had to make financial sacrifices due to our savings being depleted over our family-building years.
Again, I don’t regret or resent the family I have today. I’d much rather have my three children than any thing which could be purchased. Paying for the infertility treatments and for the services necessary to adopt was worth every single penny. But man, fertile people really don’t realize how much extra money they have in their bank account.
I’m Working On Being Grateful…
Are these three samples of my jealously issues justified? I’m not sure. Are they rational? Probably not. Should I quash them? Most likely. Am I alone with these thoughts? I truly doubt it. I am proud of myself for admitting to them and opening myself up to others thoughts and comments on these unpleasant thoughts.
Possibly owning up to these jealous feelings will help me work through them. I know I am grateful for my life. I feel so blessed to be a positive role-model for domestic, open, tranracial adoption. But I’m not “perfect” and would not want to ever give that impression. Parenting is an easy way to discover your weaknesses and I found one of mine to be jealously.
Adoptive parenting consists of a variety of emotions which fertile parents aren’t aware of. I don’t recall reading in any adoption literature that there may be lingering feelings of jealously of fertile families even after I adopted. Guess that either means people aren’t speaking openly about them or else I didn’t get the memo. I hope it’s not the latter.
If you are an adoptive parent then can you relate to any of my jealous feelings?
If you are not an adoptive parent, were you surprised by these feelings I admitted to?
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
We are in the beginning stages of domestic adoption, and I love this post!! I am jealous on all of these fronts - absolutely. Right now, since we spent nearly all of our savings on infertility treatments thinking they would work, we are saving for adoption. It hurts SO much to say that we cannot afford it! I am 35, and I am ready to go when it comes to having children in our lives. I would give anything to be able to have children for ‘free’. I have begged God for this constantly for nearly 4 years, and well…..
So, we are waiting. And rather poorly, I might add. Spring time makes it so much worse. All this new life, and none for us. Rrrrr.
Thank you for this timely post! We just adopted Ty 3 weeks ago and he is such a blessing! However, I saw someone today with that cute pregnant belly and commented to my husband that I was jealous of that. He didn’t quite get it and that’s OK–I think it’s a woman thing. So thank you for admitting that after 3 adopted children, you still occasionally have those same feelings. I think I will from time to time as well.
yes, yes, and yes. It’s been almost 6 months, and I still feel pretty much everything. I love my daughter, I love that I get to say “my daughter”, and I wouldn’t want anything in place of having her. She’s gorgeous, and quite honestly healthier than I could have ever had on my own because of my health issues. The pregnancy thing was just recently refreshed on my first visit to a playgroup this week. I went, and first was witness to a breastfeeding 2 year old, which is fine and great, but it tugged a little at my inability to do the same. Then another mom showed up with her two kids, and over the course of conversation about breastfeeding and maternity clothes and feeling frumpy, I gleen from conversation that she is pregnant with her 3rd child. I realized when i got home that I probably wouldn’t be able to go back to that playgroup. In 90 minutes they managed to hit on every feeling of loss I had about pregnancy and thought I was fine with, and I can’t do it twice a week every week. I’m just not able to rise above just yet, it still stings.
What’s hard for me on the genetics front is that my daughter, because she is Indian and my husband is Indian, I constantly get the “oh she looks so much like your husband!” Which I do know I would get even if we had biological children since his dominant genes would totally overpower mine, but it somehow hurts a little because no matter what, he’ll always have that with her, and I never will. He will still get that “oh she has your eyes” thing and I have no chance of that. I love that she looks like him, but that jealousy of their connection even though it’s not genetic is tough…
One thing that I’m still getting over is this feeling that I have a secret when strangers compliment me on her. I still feel this need to acknowledge that I had nothing to do with it. I don’t, but I feel this weird flip in my stomach that I can’t take credit. Which feels horrible, because I don’t want to feel it. She is gorgeous, more beautiful than I could ever have imagined and I love when people stop me to tell me so. I think the fact that I still feel the stomach flip makes me more angry than the fact that I can’t take credit. I hate the jealousy, because I love everything about my daughter. I couldn’t ask for anything more. But like you said, it’s still there…. waiting….
As we are in the process of adopting again. I could not agree more, with the whole article. Great article as always - and being jealous is not something I am proud of - but just because I am jealous does not mean that I wish those that I am jealous of not to have the things I don’t, I just want them too. But time will tell.
Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
CW
This is one of the best posts you’ve had. Being honest takes courage. You are talking to real people out here, and I, for
one, appreciate your perspective.
We are certainly not living hand-to-mouth either; however, we have also made big sacrifices in our lives. Five years ago when our journey to parenthood began, we had big dreams for us and our little family we were trying to create. We still do. Only we didn’t realize we would have to sacrifice some of those dreams just to recover our bank account. Now our “family” includes birthparents, social workers, lawyers, doctors…all of whom we have to convince that we are emotionally and financially ready to be parents. I just want to shout sometimes that we would be a lot more “stable” with our money and emotions had we not had to spend so much money and heartache just to make our one tiny little dream come true. I love the comment about fertile people and their bank accounts!
Thank you all for your comments! I hope others add in their opinions too.
Seems like I struck a chord with many of you. I’m happy to know that considering this was a very difficult article for me to write.
I’ll be sure to write more on topics similar to this as is it something that we all can relate to being in the adoption world.
Thanks again!
Even though it was hard for you to write the article you did it so beautifully. I can’t imagine that there is an infertile woman or an adoptive mother that can’t relate to everything you said. Although my infertility struggle and subsequent adoption were a long time ago (my daughter is 12 now!) I remember those feelings as if it were yesterday. Even before I was married and ready to have a baby I longed for one. It didn’t take long for the longing to turn to outright jealousy with every struggle we had riding the infertility roller coaster. I was not only jealous of those who conceived when they wanted to but also those who conceived when they didn’t want to, especially stupid teenagers. Wow! Look at the claws come out all these years later. It is kind of a surprise to know those feelings are still there. As I get older, however, the harsh feelings have settled into feelings that I don’t really have a name for. They are not really regrets, more like things I have come to terms with after all these years. Do I wish my life had worked out the way I wanted it to, with me being a stay-at-home mom of six children? Of course I do. Do I feel that I missed something by not experiencing a pregnancy? Sure. Do I feel my daughter is any less my daughter because she is adopted? Not at all. Do I wish I could fill the empty spot in her heart that her birthmother left? More than she could ever know. Do I love it because since she was a toddler people have told me how much she looks like me? Absolutely. But as much as I would like to take credit for creating that beautiful face with the sparkling green eyes, when someone says she looks like me I usually just smile and say “that’s just a happy coincidence” if I feel like talking about adoption or “so I’ve been told” if I don’t. And to the mom whose child looks like her Indian father by virtue of her race, you should take all the credit you can for how beautiful she is. It’s your love that makes her happy. And happy babies are beautiful babies. And do you know what’s even better than having someone tell you your adopted daughter looks just like you? It’s when someone tells you your daughter is the mother hen of her preschool class, hugging and comforting the injured or sad or helping those who can’t do for themselves, and they end their sentence with “She’s just like you. She has your heart.” It’s enough to make you forget what you were jealous about.
Danielle, thank you so much for your honesty. I’ve been thinking about the exact same thing for quite a while and haven’t been able to blog about it. You are very brave for posting this!
My daughter is 7 months old and it is still hard to manage a conversation on a mommy and me gym class with a bunch of fertile breast feeding women. The conversation always turns to breast feeding. Or pregnancy - the instructor is a very pregnant woman.
We also adopted transracially and I can completely relate to what you’re describing. My daughter is Asian, and she looks nothing like us. I can’t see my hair, or the color of my skin, or my eyes in her. No, my daughter will never have the comments I still get at 37: “You look just like your Mom!”
Oh, but she is so beautiful… Oh my God! Amazingly beautiful! Sometimes I can’t tell she’s Asian. I can’t spot the difference people so easily see in her eyes. I wish people would see her as transparent as I see her. I just see her beauty, and the fact that she is my daughter.
I wonder how it’s going to be when she grows up…
Danielle:
You describe my feelings exactly. I thought I was alone in my sporatic feelings of jealously. Every once in awhile I get in “jealously mode” and it does pass, but I too find myself angry over the same points. Sometimes I wish that just I could know what it was like to carry my adopted daughter inside me. I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and wouldn’t change a thing, but I would like to know what the flutter of movements feel like. I do agree though, that I don’t think I would like to actually give birth…
Thank you for being there, speaking so honestly, and being the advocate you are.