Comments on: Adoptive Parents Can Still be Jealous of “Normal” Parents

By: Anna

Anna — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 02:18:35 +0000

Thank you so much for being open and honest about this. It has helped me tremendously in dealing with several of the same issues. My husband and I adopted our daughter 5 months ago. It all happened so quickly, literally overnight and I don’t think I had time to work through my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been feeling very guilty for having some of these same thoughts, especially about women being pregnant. I appreciate you! Thanks for helping me to realize that I’m not alone. I love my daughter so much and I am so thankful for her… and for her birthmom as well. But as humans we have emotions that we must work through. I believe that in time all will be healed.

By: Jennifer B.

Jennifer B. — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:25:18 +0000

Danielle:

You describe my feelings exactly. I thought I was alone in my sporatic feelings of jealously. Every once in awhile I get in “jealously mode” and it does pass, but I too find myself angry over the same points. Sometimes I wish that just I could know what it was like to carry my adopted daughter inside me. I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and wouldn’t change a thing, but I would like to know what the flutter of movements feel like. I do agree though, that I don’t think I would like to actually give birth…

Thank you for being there, speaking so honestly, and being the advocate you are.

By: Maru

Maru — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 04:39:59 +0000

Danielle, thank you so much for your honesty. I’ve been thinking about the exact same thing for quite a while and haven’t been able to blog about it. You are very brave for posting this!

My daughter is 7 months old and it is still hard to manage a conversation on a mommy and me gym class with a bunch of fertile breast feeding women. The conversation always turns to breast feeding. Or pregnancy - the instructor is a very pregnant woman.

We also adopted transracially and I can completely relate to what you’re describing. My daughter is Asian, and she looks nothing like us. I can’t see my hair, or the color of my skin, or my eyes in her. No, my daughter will never have the comments I still get at 37: “You look just like your Mom!”

Oh, but she is so beautiful… Oh my God! Amazingly beautiful! Sometimes I can’t tell she’s Asian. I can’t spot the difference people so easily see in her eyes. I wish people would see her as transparent as I see her. I just see her beauty, and the fact that she is my daughter.

I wonder how it’s going to be when she grows up…

By: Karen Rehwinkel

Karen Rehwinkel — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:56:07 +0000

Even though it was hard for you to write the article you did it so beautifully. I can’t imagine that there is an infertile woman or an adoptive mother that can’t relate to everything you said. Although my infertility struggle and subsequent adoption were a long time ago (my daughter is 12 now!) I remember those feelings as if it were yesterday. Even before I was married and ready to have a baby I longed for one. It didn’t take long for the longing to turn to outright jealousy with every struggle we had riding the infertility roller coaster. I was not only jealous of those who conceived when they wanted to but also those who conceived when they didn’t want to, especially stupid teenagers. Wow! Look at the claws come out all these years later. It is kind of a surprise to know those feelings are still there. As I get older, however, the harsh feelings have settled into feelings that I don’t really have a name for. They are not really regrets, more like things I have come to terms with after all these years. Do I wish my life had worked out the way I wanted it to, with me being a stay-at-home mom of six children? Of course I do. Do I feel that I missed something by not experiencing a pregnancy? Sure. Do I feel my daughter is any less my daughter because she is adopted? Not at all. Do I wish I could fill the empty spot in her heart that her birthmother left? More than she could ever know. Do I love it because since she was a toddler people have told me how much she looks like me? Absolutely. But as much as I would like to take credit for creating that beautiful face with the sparkling green eyes, when someone says she looks like me I usually just smile and say “that’s just a happy coincidence” if I feel like talking about adoption or “so I’ve been told” if I don’t. And to the mom whose child looks like her Indian father by virtue of her race, you should take all the credit you can for how beautiful she is. It’s your love that makes her happy. And happy babies are beautiful babies. And do you know what’s even better than having someone tell you your adopted daughter looks just like you? It’s when someone tells you your daughter is the mother hen of her preschool class, hugging and comforting the injured or sad or helping those who can’t do for themselves, and they end their sentence with “She’s just like you. She has your heart.” It’s enough to make you forget what you were jealous about.

By: Danielle I. Pennel

Danielle I. Pennel — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 22:35:00 +0000

Thank you all for your comments! I hope others add in their opinions too.
Seems like I struck a chord with many of you. I’m happy to know that considering this was a very difficult article for me to write.
I’ll be sure to write more on topics similar to this as is it something that we all can relate to being in the adoption world.
Thanks again!

By: Candice

Candice — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 15:11:16 +0000

We are certainly not living hand-to-mouth either; however, we have also made big sacrifices in our lives. Five years ago when our journey to parenthood began, we had big dreams for us and our little family we were trying to create. We still do. Only we didn’t realize we would have to sacrifice some of those dreams just to recover our bank account. Now our “family” includes birthparents, social workers, lawyers, doctors…all of whom we have to convince that we are emotionally and financially ready to be parents. I just want to shout sometimes that we would be a lot more “stable” with our money and emotions had we not had to spend so much money and heartache just to make our one tiny little dream come true. I love the comment about fertile people and their bank accounts!

By: Gayle

Gayle — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 13:30:38 +0000

This is one of the best posts you’ve had. Being honest takes courage. You are talking to real people out here, and I, for
one, appreciate your perspective.

By: Carrie W

Carrie W — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 03:08:04 +0000

As we are in the process of adopting again. I could not agree more, with the whole article. Great article as always - and being jealous is not something I am proud of - but just because I am jealous does not mean that I wish those that I am jealous of not to have the things I don’t, I just want them too. But time will tell.

Thanks for making me feel not so alone.

By: Jen

Jen — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 01:17:38 +0000

yes, yes, and yes. It’s been almost 6 months, and I still feel pretty much everything. I love my daughter, I love that I get to say “my daughter”, and I wouldn’t want anything in place of having her. She’s gorgeous, and quite honestly healthier than I could have ever had on my own because of my health issues. The pregnancy thing was just recently refreshed on my first visit to a playgroup this week. I went, and first was witness to a breastfeeding 2 year old, which is fine and great, but it tugged a little at my inability to do the same. Then another mom showed up with her two kids, and over the course of conversation about breastfeeding and maternity clothes and feeling frumpy, I gleen from conversation that she is pregnant with her 3rd child. I realized when i got home that I probably wouldn’t be able to go back to that playgroup. In 90 minutes they managed to hit on every feeling of loss I had about pregnancy and thought I was fine with, and I can’t do it twice a week every week. I’m just not able to rise above just yet, it still stings.

What’s hard for me on the genetics front is that my daughter, because she is Indian and my husband is Indian, I constantly get the “oh she looks so much like your husband!” Which I do know I would get even if we had biological children since his dominant genes would totally overpower mine, but it somehow hurts a little because no matter what, he’ll always have that with her, and I never will. He will still get that “oh she has your eyes” thing and I have no chance of that. I love that she looks like him, but that jealousy of their connection even though it’s not genetic is tough…

One thing that I’m still getting over is this feeling that I have a secret when strangers compliment me on her. I still feel this need to acknowledge that I had nothing to do with it. I don’t, but I feel this weird flip in my stomach that I can’t take credit. Which feels horrible, because I don’t want to feel it. She is gorgeous, more beautiful than I could ever have imagined and I love when people stop me to tell me so. I think the fact that I still feel the stomach flip makes me more angry than the fact that I can’t take credit. I hate the jealousy, because I love everything about my daughter. I couldn’t ask for anything more. But like you said, it’s still there…. waiting….

By: Lyndsey

Lyndsey — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 00:37:15 +0000

Thank you for this timely post! We just adopted Ty 3 weeks ago and he is such a blessing! However, I saw someone today with that cute pregnant belly and commented to my husband that I was jealous of that. He didn’t quite get it and that’s OK–I think it’s a woman thing. So thank you for admitting that after 3 adopted children, you still occasionally have those same feelings. I think I will from time to time as well.