The journey to adopt a child is not easy. There are many hoops to jump through and emotions raised which one cannot always prepare for. It is so easy to get annoyed with the adoption process when your fingerprints need to be redone, a form is lost in the mail, your social worker is sick and cancels an appointment, your profile is not being viewed by potential birth parents as often as you expected or your parents are calling daily asking, “Why haven’t you heard anything yet?” Everyone I meet who has adopted has at minimum one story of when they were ready to pull out their hair due to frustration with their adoption journey.

I am usually a positive, optimistic person but that didn’t stop me from flipping my lid a few times while working toward adopting my children. At those times, I should have made myself reflect on the things that I should be grateful for in the adoption process. When you are feeling down that is the best time to take a step back in order to appreciate what is going right. No matter where you are in your adoption journey, there is plenty for you to be grateful for. You live in a time and place where you have the option to adopt, you may have support from friends and family, you have adoption professionals who are devoted to adding a child to your family, you have an adoption community who is there to support your efforts to adopt and of course, you have birth parents who are willing to place their child with you to raise.

Unfortunately I have not taken time out to reflect upon what I should be grateful for from my adoption journeys. I hope that by reading what I am thankful for, you can begin to look at your own adoption route and learn to not just to focus on the negative but be grateful for the positive aspects too.

Location and Timing

First, I am grateful for living in a country where adoption is possible and accepted. I have both access and choices on how and where to adopt. Paul and I were able to consider private and public agencies from all over the United States. Our choices were not limited by any government provisions.

After watching period pieces I am thankful to be alive during this time of humanity. For example, had I been alive in Renaissance time my infertility would have made me undesirable as a wife. Adopting a child would not be carrying on my family blood lines and therefore not a popular choice. I could fulfill some of my maternal instincts by being a caretaker of other’s children. It surely would not had been the same as being a mother. I want to be the one a child looks for when they fall down and scrape their knee because they know that only a kiss from their mom will make their ouchie go away.

Loved Ones

I’m also grateful that my family has been extremely supportive to Paul and I during our adoptions. When we decided to end fertility treatments and pursue adoption, not one family member hesitated a moment in sharing their joy with us. No one said, “Are you sure you don’t want to try one more round of IVF?” I hear of other people pursuing adoption who have to convince their loved ones that it truly is the right decision for them. That would have been very difficult to deal with.

My loved ones were also very open to learning the ins and outs of adoption without being offended when we were educating them on the process, the terminology or our expectations. I bought my parents and in-laws the book, “Adopting is a Family Affair” by Patricia Johnston and immediately they all read it. They truly wanted to understand this new way we were bringing a baby into to our family. They even passed the book along to other family members. One of my favorite stories was when my 82 year-old grandfather (who read the book) called me after we adopted my first child and asked, “How is his birthmother doing?” I was shocked and impressed that he used the proper terminology and understood that we’d care how she was doing. I felt extremely grateful that I had family members who were so accepting of adoption.

Adoption Professionals

I feel a lot of gratitude for the professionals who assisted us through our three domestic adoptions. First, our social worker was very helpful and made us feel at ease during the craziness of putting together our home studies. We were very intimidated with the thought of the home study examining whether we’d be adequate parents. Yet with our social worker’s help we were able to complete them without unnecessary stress. In the end we actually enjoyed our home studies because in a way it was like marriage counseling where you discover constructive insight about yourself and your spouse.

We used the same agency for all three of our adoptions. We will always be very thankful, for without them we would not have our beautiful children. We like how they always knew who we were when we called and were anxious to assist us. I know that they, along with social workers, are not rolling in wads of cash thanks to their choice of profession. Instead of a high paying job, they are following their passion by helping people form their families. I am eternally grateful that they picked adoption as their line of work. At times it may just be yet another job to them, but I hope that all of them realize that they are making a huge impact in so many lives.

Peer Support

I’m thankful that there is support for those pursuing adoption. A few decades ago, adoption was not openly discussed. Nowadays, you can find adoption support groups online or even in person. Ask anyone and they will have “an adoption story.” It’s not a taboo topic anymore. I was blessed to have a monthly adoption support group to attend during my adoptions. In this group, I found the name of the adoption agency we used, helpful book titles, adoption issues to ponder and other useful information which made our adoption journeys easier.

Most of all, I found in those meetings a community of people, all trying to add a child to their family through adoption. We had an instant bond with one another and could talk openly about topics we couldn’t discuss with just anyone. For example, discussing potential medical issues in a birthmother or child and what you are willing to accept could be a heated discussion. Not so at the adoption support meetings. Everyone there understands that you must face these decisions realistically and honestly. These meetings were a safe haven to share your fears, your concerns and joys that only other prospective adoptive parents can 100% understand.

I know these adoption support meetings made my adoptions easier, and I am grateful that for the past five years I have had the opportunity to lead these meetings. They are the highlight of my month as I love seeing people advance through the adoption process and eventually become parents. I am grateful to witness these magical moments with these people new to the adoption community. Even as an adoptive parent of three, I still learn something new each meeting from those who attend the support meetings. For that I am thankful, as I want to continually educate myself on adoption, which is such a large part of my life.

Birthparents

The group of people I am most grateful to are to the birthparents of my three children. Placing a child for adoption cannot be not an easy decision. To chose adoption for your child is admitting that someone else may be able to provide a more stable life for your child. It’s admitting that you are in a situation where you have to ask for additional help from strangers. You have to make a mature, life-changing decision to put your future child’s needs before the maternal instinct to protect and raise your own baby. It is NOT admitting you do not love your baby. It’s quite the opposite. You are admitting that you love your baby so much you want them to have all the opportunities they deserve. What better definition of a parental love is there than that?

I will always be grateful that my children’s birthparents chose adoption for their babies. I am not sure if it was their first choice but it’s the one they chose in the end because it brought them peace. I can’t comprehend their decision process and in no way can imagine the inner strength they had to have made such a difficult and heart-wrenching choice. There were other options which may have been easier for them, such as abortion or raising the baby themselves. Their hard choice of adoption is one that has brought immense joy to so many people whom they may never meet. I hope they realize that they did not just bring happiness to the new adoptive parents but also all the people who care for the new parents. It’s amazing to me how many people can be positively influenced by the birthparents.

Of course, there are plenty of other things in life I am grateful for such as my husband, my dogs, food to eat, a place to live, my health and on and on. Specifically regarding adoption there are more than enough things and people which I should recognize with deep felt gratitude. I will always be indebted to having the choice to adopt, my supportive family, our social worker, our adoption agency, our adoption support group, and of course the birthparents. Because without all of them, I would not have my children whom I thankful for every day of my life.

If you are currently in the process of adopting and facing challenges, are you still able to find some things like I described to be grateful for?

Danielle I. Pennel

Three Yellow Roses

www.threeyellowroses.com

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 11th, 2010 at 8:34 PM and is filed under Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.