Did you know that every decision you make when you decide to adopt you may need to defend? People will have opinions about every choice you make, large or small. For example, recently I worked at a women’s convention for Infertility and Adoption Support Inc. and I heard two very different comments about adoption. One women came to our booth and said she wanted to adopt domestically because she wanted to “support America.” Then hours later another woman came and said she would only consider international adoption to help all the poor orphans overseas. These two women had very different opinions on adoption. I spoke with both of them and it was obvious that they were sure their path to adoption was the “correct” one. Based on how strongly the both felt, I think they felt their opinion of the “correct” path, was fact.
In my monthly Adoption Support Group this is a common topic that often comes up amongst the attendees. People are surprised at how they meet a lot of backlash when they announce decisions that they have made along their adoption journey. A lot of these attendees had kept their struggles of infertility private so this is the first time they have gotten loved one’s opinions about their family building options. It’s surprising to them how many different opinions there are on the different topics.
Question What?
Some of the more common things that people question are the following: Why are you doing domestic adoption when there are so many needy babies in other countries? Why are you traveling overseas to adopt when there are so many American children who need homes? Why are you adopting a Caucasian baby when there may be more babies of other races available? Why are you adopting transracially because then won’t your family will “look” adopted? Why are you adopting a newborn when there are lots of children available in the foster care system? Why are you adopting a foster care child when they could have additional emotional issues? Why aren’t you using a Christian agency when you go to church? Why are you using a Christian agency that excludes non-Christians? Why not adopt a child with special needs since you can afford services to help them? Why would you adopt a special needs child when you have a choice not to? Why do you want an open adoption? Aren’t you afraid the birth family will find you? Why do you want a closed adoption? Don’t you think your child deserves to know their biological history? Why name your child after a birth family member? Why name your child based on the country they were born in? Why not just name the child whatever you want since he is your child?
This is just a small sample of decisions you will be making when you adopt. Every single one may be questioned by your loved ones. They may not be questioning you in order to try and change your mind, although it may feel like it. Then again, maybe they are trying to change your mind even though you are the one that is adopting and therefore raising the child. Either way you will have to defend whatever decisions you make before, during, and after you adopt.
Personal Decisions
Unless you’ve been through the adoption process yourself you may not realize how personal a lot of these choices are. No decision during the adoption process comes naturally. Every decision requires research, thought, and sometimes gut feeling. An example of this is when deciding what medical issues you would consider for a child you’re adopting. Would you accept a child with Down’s Syndrome? How about one with a cleft lip? What about a child who was exposed to marijuana while in utero? There isn’t one universally correct answer for these questions. The prospective adoptive couple must do research to see if these are medical conditions they’d be comfortable with. They may have a gut reaction of “No” or “Yes.” Odds are most of the answers will be “Would Consider” with no final decision made unless a potential adoption case warranted it.
Could you judge anyone who said “Yes,” “No” or “Would Consider” on any of the medical decisions? Truly only the person who is going to parent the child and deal with their medical condition 24/7 should have the ultimate say. For all three of our adoptions, we chose “No” for terminal illnesses and “Yes” for hearing loss. Do you disagree with my decision? If so, please explain to me why I should change my mind since we were the ones to be those child’s parents. I don’t regret any of our decisions as they led to the children I have today.
How is this different than any of the other choices along the adoption route? It all boils down to one common thing: the prospective adoptive parents need to make the best decision for THEM. If someone is curious why they made certain decisions, that’s fine. It’s a problem when their curiosity turns into a discussion as to Right vs. Wrong adoption decisions.
What Should You Say?
So what are you to do if faced with someone questioning your adoption choices? When it happens to me I try to act interested in their opinion on whatever subject they are referring to. When someone says to me, “There’s no way I could adopt a newborn when there are so many children waiting for families.” I would say, “That sounds like a great choice for you.” or “That is certainly a way we could have gone.” or “Isn’t it wonderful how many options there are in adoption?” By not confronting the person, the discussion usually fizzles out.
What if the person asks, “So how come you are only interested in adopting a white baby?” First of all, take a deep breath before snapping back in defense. The person may truly want to know your thought process because they are considering a similar decision but feel guilty making it. Or it could be the person is judging you for not choosing to adopt a non-Caucasian child. You could respond with “We pondered a lot on this and came to the best decision possible for us.” or “We don’t feel capable at this time to give proper opportunities to a child of a different race.” or “Why do you ask? Are you interested in adopting someday?”
Is there anyway to avoid a lot of these questions? One recommendation I have for the attendees of my monthly adoption support group is for the couple to make their adoption decisions privately before telling their loved ones. If one half of the couple mentions a decision, such as they are going to adopt from Russia, before the decision is final they may be pressured in another direction. It’s important to be firm in your choices before announcing them. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with talking with others in order to come to a final decision. The problem lies when you are swayed from your final decision due to pressure from others.
Should I Ask for Opinions?
So when should you listen to others opinions about your adoption plans? There must be some time when you really want to know what your loved ones think about a topic. Maybe you are curious if your parents would be sad if you didn’t adopt an infant. Or possibly you want to make sure that if you adopt a child from another country that your family will help you in preserving the culture of the birth country.
One time Paul and I did sought out other peoples opinions was when we were considering a transracial adoption, specifically Hispanic. We needed to know that our most involved family members would welcome our brown-skinned child into our family and into their hearts. Before we checked the form on our adoption papers that we were willing to adopt transracially we point-blank asked our family their opinion on this topic. We needed to hear the absolute truth from them no matter how difficult. This was a time having others opinions helped us make a large decision in the adoption process. I knew that when we announced that our first child was going to be full Hispanic that no one was going to gasp and question if we really wanted that ethnicity. We knew everyone’s opinion and were comfortable with pursuing our transracial adoption plans.
Needed: Support
I knew before I adopted that not everyone agrees on the way I live my life. For example, my friends adore my husband, Paul, but I doubt they would have chosen him to marry. I never needed my friends to say that he would be the perfect husband for them. I needed them to say that they supported me in choosing to become Paul’s wife.
It’s similar to adoption. I don’t need my loved ones to say that they would have made the same adoption decisions to adopt the same children I did. I want them to say that they support all my hard, personal decisions which were part of the adoption process. It’s fine if they have opinions on how I could have made different choices, as long as say them without judging my choices.
In the end, all anyone who manages through the challenging and complicated process of adoption wants and needs from others is support. Questions are fine too – as long as they are curious and not criticizing.
Have you had any of your adoption decisions questioned before? How did you respond to it?
Danielle I. Pennel
Three Yellow Roses
www.threeyellowroses.com
I just want to point out that you always refer to hispanic children as brown skinned, and I am wondering why. I live and work in a predominantly hispanic area, and the number of brown skinned people is possibly about 50%. This is in a community made up of about 90% hispanic people, among which are myself and my spouse. In considering adoption, we have also faced the possibility of having children that don’t look like us, even if we choose hispanic children. We are both light skinned, with dark curly hair and brown eyes, and have extended family on both sides that is a lot fairer than us with straight hair and green or gray eyes, or similar to us but with darker hair or whatever. So our future adopted children could be a lot lighter than us, or a lot darker, but we decided that culturally they will be like us, and used that to make our decision. I only point this out because you may not be realizing that you are stereotyping, and that your children may at some point resent that. It is not my intention to judge or attack you, just to point out something you may not be aware of.
Thank you so much for your insightful comments. You are right in every way to point this out to me. I truly hope I did not offend you.
I do know that “Hispanic” includes people of all different skin tones and hair and eye colors. I guess I use the term “dark skinned” because two of my children fall into that category and therefore they are the ones I hear the comments about. My daughter though is lighter skinned than I (and I’m blonde/blue eyed) and her hair is brown with red and some blond streaks throughout it. Most people never think she’s Hispanic but instead Russian. Personally I think she has some Native American blood in her mixed with her Mexican heritage.
So I SHOULD know what you said and will respect that in future writings. I appreciate being called out on it.
And along the lines of you adopting a “Hispanic” child and he/she not looking like you, I have seen that often from my friends who adopt from Russia. People think that the children from Russia will be fair skinned but most of the children I know from there are very, very Asian looking. Blows away the stereotype in people’s minds.
Good luck to you in your Adoption Journey!