Comments on: Initially Fearing Birth Mothers

By: Lindsey Whitney

Lindsey Whitney — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 20:57:10 +0000

Thanks so much for this blog. We are considering starting the adoption process in January, and it just seems so overwhelming. The birth mother/open adoption thing has me very concerned. I will look into the books you suggested. I’ve talked to a few agencies and they speak of Open adoption as such a beautiful thing, but it does seem scary and intrusive to me.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Wed, 19 May 2010 21:08:21 +0000

Thanks for your openness and honesty! We had a lot of fear about the birthmother relationship. Unfortunately, due to their dysfunctional lives, we were unable to maintain an open relationship. But we are still hoping that our sons will eventually be able to connect and heal that broken relationship. I know that they would have gained a lot from having contact with her. Unresolved, broken relationships are always hurtful.

By: Jana Wolff

Jana Wolff — Tue, 18 May 2010 20:41:45 +0000

Dear Danielle,

When I wrote “Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother,” I thought I was the ONLY wannabe-mom experiencing two kinds of feelings: the type that I thought was probably normal (anxiety, excitement, gratitude) and the type that I thought made me weirder than the adoption application let on (resentful, terrified, insecure). I ultimately found out that I had a lot of company in my ambivalence!

It means so much to me to learn that my story was actually helpful to you on your journey. Your post brings back a lot of memories for me and I deeply appreciate your willingness to share your own evolution. Most of us spend so much time trying to look like we know it all, but I find adoption to be pretty humbling. It feels like the more I know about adoption, the less of a know-it-all I become.

Keep up the great work! Jana

By: tubelessinstl

tubelessinstl — Tue, 18 May 2010 16:40:30 +0000

Danielle,

You so need to write a book on adoption! I Love these articles. I am going to post on my blog again to send a few of my readers over here. Please don’t ever stop writing from your point of view, it is so helpful knowing how to prepare and deal with the roller coaster ride of adopting.

My fear with J’s birth mother was that she would and could find our house and just show up unannounced after the placement to try and take J with her. Mind you, she lives about 20 minutes away from our house. Well, that did not and has not happened to this day. We do have an open relationship, but it has consisted of 1 or 2 in person meetings a year and most other correspondence by snail mail between us and J’s birth sister (who is 10). When we first met them at their apartment parking lot to go out to dinner one night, I was afraid her older daughter and older son would not like us, actually it is just the opposite.

I just found out that J’s birth sister took a photo of her, us and all of the birth family to school to show her teacher. We happen to know that teacher and she said J’s birth sister was so proud of us and her sister and said she can’t wait to see us in person again soon. That warmed my heart knowing she cares so much about her sister, our daughter J. I hope to always keep the open line of communication, but we let J’s birth mother dictate that line of and frequency of contact. We feel it is putting too much pressure on her if we try and make the arrangements to meet up in person. Too emotional on her (she has told us that through letters). We give them their space and honestly, they do the same for us too. Respect is a great part of this relationship we will have for life.