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Telling the World that Your Adopted Child is Different

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

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Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.

I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same!  Isn’t that amazing?  Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption | No Comments »

As a Perspective Adoptive Parent, do not Worry, “Your Child Will Find You”

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

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“Your child will find you.”

The first time I heard that was when I attended an Adoption Support Group. The meeting leader, an adoptive mother, spoke these words to give the attendees hope. I had just experienced a miscarriage after three years of infertility treatments. I really didn’t have any hope that my child was going to “find” me at that point.

I was the one who had to choose adoption, fill out paperwork, complete a home study, create a profile, work with potential Birthparents and foot the adoption bill. What work was my child doing in finding me? Wasn’t I doing all of the work?

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions | 2 Comments »

A Peek Into Another Side of Adoption, Young Birthparents on TV

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

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As a prospective adoptive parent you probably don’t spend a lot of your time seeking out the stories of Birthmothers. You’ll be much more likely to pick up a book containing essays of how people navigated the adoption process to successfully adopt a child. Stories from the Birthmothers’ point of view could be interesting to you but you’d rather spend your energy learning what you have to do to become an adoptive parent.

I definitely did not place a lot of thought into how the Birthmothers enter the world of adoption and the struggles they must face by choosing to place their child. Yet after I adopted I felt a strong need to understand the Birthmothers’ stories.  I now listen to Birthmothers speak on adoption panels and have read essays by them. I wish I would have learned more about this very important part of the adoption story before I adopted the first time.

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, Parenting after Adoption, Researching Adoption | 3 Comments »

As an Adoptive Parent, is it Your Job to Save The World?

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

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While going through infertility I began attending a Women’s infertility support group. I was hesitant at first because I thought it would be full of crazed women willing to drug themselves up in order to get a litter of children. I was wrong because what I found was a room full of women who were just like me. We all are struggling to find answers to our infertility, having difficulties with relationships, and trying to curb the strong feelings not to lose our minds whenever we passed a pregnant woman on the street.

I learned a lot of helpful information from these meetings which helped me keep my sanity during the extremely stressful years of infertility treatments. One of the best pieces of advice I received quickly became my personal infertility mantra. It was that I was allowed to have “avoidance without guilt.” So if I chose not to go to a baby shower, I shouldn’t feel guilty. If I didn’t go to a work gathering in fear of being stuck talking to the young women who are trying to get pregnant, then it was OK. Using this mantra helped me make some difficult decisions and still feel good about myself.

Since that mantra was so helpful for me during infertility I knew I’d need something new during the adoption process. I thought it would be something like “Remember to sign all of the checks” or “Always look presentable in front of the potential Birthparents.” Never did I expect to use the mantra told to me by an Adoptive mother and the leader of the Adoption Support Group I was attending.

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | No Comments »

“Open” Adoptions Come in Many Varieties, and Can Change With Time

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

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When people consider adopting domestically for an infant, one of their first concerns surrounds the Birthparents.  I have heard many people in my Adoption Support Group state that they do not want to “co-parent” with anyone besides their spouse or partner.  People also don’t want to be committed to sending letters and pictures and maybe even have phone calls or visits with the Birthparents.  People researching adoption hear the term “open adoption” and assume this openness is just so the Birthparents can be an intrusive part of the adoptive family’s life.

Open Adoption” is actually used to describe a wide spectrum of sharing identifying information between the Birthparents and the adoptive parents.  On one end of the spectrum is when everyone knows each other’s first names and that is it.  They may never meet each other.  The other end of the “open adoption” spectrum is when there is little to no information hidden between everyone.  The Birthparents could be present for family functions, call the adoptive family directly and are informed of everything that happens in the child’s life. (more…)

Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, Researching Adoption | No Comments »

As Adoptive Parents, How Much on Naming the Baby Should be Given to the Birthparents?

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

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A person’s name is a very important part of their identity. Some people even believe that their name shapes their personality. If you are a “Maghnus” you’ll have a large strong personality as a “Tucker” may be a more laid back type of person. Whichever comes first, the name or the personality, selecting a name for your child can be a difficult decision. Most couples only have to consider the input from each other when whittling down their list of potential names.

When you decide to adopt a child there is a lot more thought put into what to name your child. You must consider if you want to keep their original name, “Americanize” their original name, select a name consistent with their ethnicity, consult with the Birthparents to find a name everyone is happy with, combine names to create new ones, or choose a name that you always wanted.

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 4 Comments »

Abnormal Infertile Couple, Trying to Become Parents Through Adoption

Monday, July 27th, 2009

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No one ever wants to feel all alone. Unfortunately when one is experiencing infertility they do feel all alone. Everywhere they look they see strollers, bulging pregnant bellies and toddlers running around. They cannot see the other “members” of the infertility community. Since one in six couples experience infertility, these “members” must be out in public. The problem is that they look like everyone else. Unfortunately, you won’t see a man wearing a t-shirt saying, “My sperm are abnormal. How about yours?” or a woman with “I’m on Clomid in order to get pregnant!” plastered on the back of her jacket. My husband, Paul, and I definitely felt alone and were looking around for others who we could relate to.

Oh Oh! Look!

When Paul and I were considering adoption, we started again to look around as not to feel so alone. We quickly become crazy voyeurs when in public because suddenly we noticed adoptive couples everywhere we went. I am not sure if they were all hiding out in a shack waiting to be released on cue when we walked outside of our home but it sure felt like it. (more…)

Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption, Researching Adoption | 2 Comments »

A Home Study of Emotions

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

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One step that is required of every adoptive parent before they adopt a child is the adoption home study. This is an official report that states whether prospective adoptive parents are fit to raise a child. The report is written by a social worker who meets the couple multiple times, including one visit to their house, and investigates their medical, family, criminal, emotional and home background. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the prospective adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child. Only the court, your agency/lawyer and possibly yourself will ever view the final home study report.

The home study can be one of the more stressful parts when preparing to adopt, but it does not need to be. It can be stressful because the home study requires a lot of legwork to collect all the necessary documents and a lot of your time to be interviewed by the social worker. Doing all of this can bring up a lot of feelings that prospective adoptive parents may not have been expecting. From my personal experience of doing three adoption home studies and knowing many others who have also been through the process I can say that these feelings are normal for most all prospective adoptive parents.

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions | 2 Comments »

Adopting with Children at Home

Monday, June 1st, 2009

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Not everyone who pursues adoption is doing so for their first child. Many adoptive couples are parents already when they choose to adopt.  They may have one or more children that are biologically theirs. Or maybe the couple has adopted already and is doing it again. Going through the adoption process when you already have children in your home is a different experience.  It’s sometimes difficult for these parents to find the support they need as a lot of the adoption literature is geared for childless couples entering the adoption world.

 

As an adoptive parent of three I know firsthand that the adoption process is very different the second or third time around. I have many friends who adopted after having biological children or after previously adopting. We shared with one another how different the experience was and what we can teach other parents wishing to adopt.

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption | 1 Comment »

An Adoption Pregnancy

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

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When one chooses to adopt they are forgoing the dream of a physical pregnancy but that does not mean that they have to give up the dream of a pregnancy all together.  Sure they won’t have morning sickness, an expanding belly or push something the size of a watermelon out of them.  They will have other ways to experience their pregnancy through research, paperwork, waiting and having faith that they will hold their child in their arms.

Preconception

 

For a woman who knows she will become pregnant the old fashioned way, she may get her body ready for pregnancy.  Perhaps she’ll watch what she eats, monitor her cycle or take a prenatal vitamin.  For the adoptive couple, this stage is when they are researching, researching and researching about adoption.  They are trying to wrap their minds around the adoption lingo and figuring out the best route of adoption for them. 

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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 1 Comment »

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