One of the great fears when one enters adoption, especially domestic adoption, is that they will have an adoption fall through. The picture that comes to most people’s minds is something from a cheesy Lifetime movie where the child’s Birthmother comes back a year later to reclaim the child from the adoptive parents. If that was a common possibility I don’t think most anyone would ever adopt. I’ve read some adoption experts say that you have better odds of being hit by a bus than a Birthmother coming back to reclaim the child after their parental rights have been relinquished.

The sad stories which are more common in domestic adoption are not the ones movies are made out of. They are the ones where the potential Birthparents decide to parent before the child has been born and sometimes immediately afterwards. The statistics I found for these failed adoptions at most domestic agencies was around 20%.

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When a couple is expecting a child through pregnancy, they have the luxury of waiting to select a pediatrician until they are near to their known delivery date. The main things they will look at when deciding who to use may be the location of the office, the office hours, the personality of the doctor and staff and the general feel of the office itself. They are able to talk to any of their friends or neighbors for recommendations of what doctor they should interview.

Couples who are adopting have to approach selecting a pediatrician a tad differently. They probably should not wait until they are matched with a child or potential Birthparents before selecting a doctor. They probably should not even wait until they are finishing their paperwork before interviewing doctors. The things to help them choose their pediatrician will be the same as those listed for the couple expecting via pregnancy. In addition, they will have questions specifically about adoption for the doctor. The adoptive couple should specifically ask other adoptive parents about their pediatricians and not just choose one because their friends or neighbors recommend them. Other adoptive parents can let you know what pediatricians’ offices are adoption friendly.

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When a couple makes the decision to adopt they will probably be excited with the prospect of a new child in their lives. Normally, when people have exciting news they want to share it with all their family and friends. But not every couple who is adopting is entirely sure if they want to tell everyone about their decision. They may wonder if people will be happy or if they will say negative things about their decision to adopt.

It’s normal for people entering adoption to ask others who are in the adoption process or have adopted, “When did you tell others that you were going to adopt?” I have heard this question numerous times during my Adoption Support meetings. I like to start my answer with, “It’s a personal decision”. I really do believe that it’s best for the couple entering adoption to discuss it with each other first to find their comfort level. Everyone’s comfort level will be different. Some would love to shout it from the rooftops while others would like to inform others about their decision to adopt only once they have their child safely in their home.

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One consistent thing I have learned about adoption is that there is nothing consistent in adoption. No matter how many stories you hear about, no two adoptions are the same. In each story, the adoptive parents will have encountered something that they did not expect along the way. It may be something concerning the legal paperwork, a medical concern with the Birthmother, or feelings that are experienced during the adoption process.

After we adopted our first child, I had assumed that I was an adoption expert. I was positive that I knew what to expect along every step of the process when we decided to adopt our second child. Why would it be any different? We were using the exact same agency and were open to similar Birthparent history. Our first adoption was quick and easy. We hit no major bumps along the way and assumed it was going to be the same again for this adoption. Little did we know that this second adoption was going to be a lot longer and harder than we ever expected.

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One question that a couple must discuss early in their adoption process is whether or not to adopt a child of a race different than their own. Some couples joke that the child could be purple and they wouldn’t care as long as he is theirs. But this really is a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. A good starting point is to honestly answer this question, “Are you willing to move into a neighborhood where you are in the minority and your child is not?” If your immediate knee-jerk reaction is, “No”, then that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty about it but please reconsider adopting transracially. If your answer is “Well, of course.” then maybe you should research more into transracial adoptions.

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