Recently I had the pleasure of being asked to present to a group of adoption social workers from a local agency. The topic I covered was “Understanding the Infertile Adoptive Couple.” This is a subject I feel knowledgeable about as I entered adoption from the infertility world. I have also met many people who meet this description since I’ve been either participating in or leading infertility and adoption support groups over the past nine years.

If you ask someone if a couple’s adoption journey would be affected by their fertility status, then they’d likely answer, “No.” Why would it make a difference if someone could or could not have biological children? All prospective adoptive parents have to go through the same screening process and fill out the same paperwork, right?

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There are plenty of “How to Adopt” books which cover how to pick an agency, what a home study is, and affording adoption. There are also plenty of books which discuss “Adoptive Parenting” with topics such as attachment, answering questions from your child and maintaining your child’s heritage. But I don’t know of any books that focus on what to do while “Waiting to Adopt.” This stage between completing all of your adoption paperwork and when you receive your new child can be a very difficult time. It’s hard to just “wait” and not be antsy for your life to be turned upside down once you have your new child in your arms.

Most people are surprised when they reach this “Waiting to Adopt” stage because their busy life suddenly comes to a screeching stop. Probably for months they have been researching agencies, collecting paperwork for their home study, meeting with their social worker, following up with their referral letters and many other tasks. Then once everything is complete, there is nothing left for them to do but wait. And wait. And wait. Couples usually feel a need to be doing “something” like they have been but they don’t know what to do at this point. Everything is out of their hands until an adoption situation arises.

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“Your child will find you.”

The first time I heard that was when I attended an Adoption Support Group. The meeting leader, an adoptive mother, spoke these words to give the attendees hope. I had just experienced a miscarriage after three years of infertility treatments. I really didn’t have any hope that my child was going to “find” me at that point.

I was the one who had to choose adoption, fill out paperwork, complete a home study, create a profile, work with potential Birthparents and foot the adoption bill. What work was my child doing in finding me? Wasn’t I doing all of the work?

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