Have you ever seen the Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid”? The premise is that there is a mermaid, Ariel, who longs to be a human and experience the world outside of the ocean. She has heard stories, seen paintings, and collected sunken treasures of this human world she had not seen in person. She is sad and frustrated that no matter how hard she tries there is nothing she can do to miraculously grow legs and survive outside of the ocean. She sings about her desire to become human in a song “Part of Your World.”

When I first heard that song years ago I thought, “Accept what you are Ariel and deal with it!” But looking back on my years of infertility I can understand more of that frustration that Ariel references. During my infertility journeys I wanted more than anything to be part of the “Mommy World.” From the stories I had heard it involved funny and priceless moments between Moms and their kids. I had seen it portrayed in movies, and on TV that it was all smiles and hugs. From all the toys and outfits in the stores it looked like a world full of fun times. The image I had of this “Mommy World” was fantastic and I ached daily to be part of it.

Yearning for “Mommy World”

Once my husband, Paul, and I began the adoption process I knew I was closer than ever to be part of “Mommy World.” I just knew I would get there and I would have tons of Mom friends and play with my child all day. How could I not then be healed of all my painful feelings left over from years of yearning for “Mommy World?”

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There are many questions that are asked of myself and my children because we are a family formed through adoption. I knew this would happen when we chose to adopt and especially when we chose to adopt transracially. This does not mean that I am not still amazed by what words come out of strangers’ mouths when commenting on my family. I have learned how to handle most questions with dignity and am always in the process of teaching my children to do the same.

Most comments I understand are because many people are not properly educated about adoption. Why would they be unless they have been through the adoption process themselves? I was clueless about the facts of adoption up until I walked into my first Adoption Support Meeting and starting reading books on the topic. Yet when strangers use the word “real” in regards to adoptive families it strikes a nerve in those in the adoption community.

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Nowadays families come together in different ways.  Due to divorce, remarriage, adoption, grandparents as primary caregivers, same-sex partners and other configurations there is no longer one set idea of what a “family” should look like.  With adoption you can have some control over this.  By being selective with your child’s country of birth and their race, you can have a good picture in your mind of what your family will look like. 

Just as parents of biological children expect that their children will look similar to one another, some adoptive parents want the same.  It’s not uncommon for some adoptive parents, including myself, to only seek out children of similar racial background in order for them all to “match” one another.  By using the word “match” I only mean the children will share similar physical characteristics.  This may sound like an odd thing to be concerned about to someone outside of the adoption community. I found it was one small way to bring some normalcy to my family formed through adoption which is anything but a normal process.

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(Recently I had the pleasure of facilitating an adoption panel that included an adult Adoptee, an Adoptive Mother and two Birthmothers.  Between listening to the Birthmothers tell their stories and two of my children recently celebrating their birthdays; my mind has been traveling to thoughts of my children’s Birthparents.  Even though I have not heard anything from them in a very long time, I still think of them daily.  Below is a letter that I dedicate to all the Birthparents of my three children.) 

Dear Birthparents,

First of all, I would like to apologize for passing judgement upon you before I even knew you.  Before researching adoption, I had assumed all Birthparents were young, uneducated and did not care for their newborns.  Otherwise, why would you not want to parent?  After looking into adoption, I learned that odds were you would be in your 20’s and 30’s with children already.  With all three of my adoptions, my research was much more accurate than my previous assumptions about you.  This truly surprised me.

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