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Archive for the ‘Parenting after Adoption’ Category

Review: Mother and Child

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

posterRecently I went to see the movie “Mother and Child” with hopes of viewing a positive and enlightening movie about adoption. The movie has three main story lines which eventually merge together. One story involves a woman, played by Annette Bening, who placed a newborn girl for adoption almost thirty years prior and has been haunted by it since. The second story is about her daughter, played by Naomi Watts, who was placed for adoption and how she is coping with her life. The third story follows a prospective adoptive couple, attempting to adopt a newborn. It focuses mainly on the wife, played by Kerry Washington, and her transition from infertility to adoption.

So was the movie a positive one that I would highly recommend to those in the adoption community? No. Was it still entertaining enough that I’d recommend it with the caveat that the adoption parts are not accurate? Not exactly. I don’t think I was alone in not fully enjoying the movie as when it ended I heard more than one wife around me turn to their husband and say, “I’m sorry I brought you to this.”

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Recent Russian Adoption Not the Norm

Monday, April 19th, 2010

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There are adoptions every day without reporters and news cameras present. These are the adoptions which are routine and have happy circumstances. When the media is present around an adoption case, it usually means there is something negative about it and therefore news for the public. This is a sad fact about adoption. When someone hears “that story about adoption on the news” it means there is a story out there which will skew the public’s mind. Instead of seeing how wonderful and simple adoptions can be, they only see the stories which are out of the norm.

The most recent adoption case in the news concerns a 7 year-old boy who was sent alone on an airplane back to Russia with a note from his American adoptive mother. She was “returning” him, as she felt she was lied to by Russian officials concerning the boy’s emotional state. She felt as if the boy was a threat to her and her family and wished to no longer be his parent.

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Still Jealous?

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

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As a parent I am always trying to teach my children how to be grateful for all that they have. It’s a challenging thing to do in our society when we are always bombarded with “more,” “bigger” and “better.” We can easily get the impression that we don’t have enough and therefore can’t be happy. Gratefulness is a trait that I am constantly working on for myself which adds to the difficulty of teaching it to my children.

One aspect of feeling grateful is not to be jealous toward those who have something which you desire. I obviously went through this when I struggled with years of infertility whenever I saw a pregnant woman or parents with a little child. My jealously of their parenthood overwhelmed me. Now I am blessed to be one of those parents with three adorable children in my home thanks to the miracle of adoption.

So what should I feel jealous about? There are a few things that come to mind. None of them are things that I am proud about yet I will still own up to them. I hope that by owning and sharing these thoughts that other adoptive parents may be able to relate, and see that they are not alone.

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“Thank You”

Monday, February 15th, 2010

1055986_clouds_and_shadowsA few months ago I found myself boarding an airplane with my three children. It was the end of a very, very long day of travel to get home after a vacation. My children were antsy and I was ready to sleep in my own bed.

We found our seats and the flight attendant, who I noticed was Hispanic, came over with a big smile and said “Hi” to my children. He asked me if my children were adopted. I gave my usual answer of “Yes, I’m an adoptive mother.” I’m used to this question as my Hispanic children don’t match my fair complexion and blonde hair.

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A Conversation to Remember

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

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Sometimes I feel like in my adoption articles I portray the more negative view of adoption. People may think you aren’t a “real” parent! Children may tease your daughter for looking different than you! Television shows portray adoptees as having severe emotional issues! I write about these things to prepare adoptive parents for any situation that may arise. My first adoption happened so quickly that I don’t feel like I got enough information beforehand to prepare me for awkward questions, conversations, looks and inaccurate assumptions about my children. I would hate for any other adoptive parent to feel the same way with their first child.

Recently, I have been telling myself to focus more on the positive aspects of adoption. Obviously I’m thrilled to be a parent through adoption and love my life with my children. Why do I need to prep prospective adoptive parents for insensitive situations? People are more welcoming of adoption than in the past. Transracial familial relationships are not uncommon anymore. Families are formed in all different ways and aren’t being hidden from the public eye.

Yet all it takes is one conversation with a stranger to remind me that I must always be ready to talk about adoption.

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Helpful Advice?

Monday, November 9th, 2009

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More than once after I made the decision to adopt, I was told by people, “Just wait – now you’ll get pregnant!” I usually gave a polite laugh and said something like, “Well that would be a surprise!” In my mind I was rudely saying “It be a heck of a lot cheaper.” or “Who knew all I had to do was stop infertility treatments to get them to work correctly?” or “Do you think I’m not happy to be adopting?”

I think people say this familiar comment because they honestly do not know what to say when they learn adoption plans from someone who has tried so long to get pregnant. They aren’t aware how much time, effort and gut wrenching emotion had been put into the decision to end infertility treatments and pursue adoption.

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Outcasting A Child

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

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Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.

I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same!  Isn’t that amazing?  Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”

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My Classroom Adoption Talk

Friday, October 9th, 2009

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When my oldest son, Keith, was in Kindergarten I would volunteer in his classroom. The first time or two I arrived in his room and he ran over to give me a big hug, I noticed confused looks on some of his classmates’ faces. Then I heard some of them whisper to Keith, “Is SHE your Mom?” or “How can she be your MOM?” He would proudly answer, “Yes that’s my Mom.” and “She just is.”

He probably didn’t understand why he was getting the third degree about his Mom. I clearly understood that it was because they assumed Keith’s Mom would look him with dark skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair. Then I walked in with my light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I would have been surprised if the children didn’t question if I was actually his Mom.

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A Peek Into Another Side of Adoption

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

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As a prospective adoptive parent you probably don’t spend a lot of your time seeking out the stories of Birthmothers. You’ll be much more likely to pick up a book containing essays of how people navigated the adoption process to successfully adopt a child. Stories from the Birthmothers’ point of view could be interesting to you but you’d rather spend your energy learning what you have to do to become an adoptive parent.

I definitely did not place a lot of thought into how the Birthmothers enter the world of adoption and the struggles they must face by choosing to place their child. Yet after I adopted I felt a strong need to understand the Birthmothers’ stories.  I now listen to Birthmothers speak on adoption panels and have read essays by them. I wish I would have learned more about this very important part of the adoption story before I adopted the first time.

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Looking for Normalcy

Monday, July 27th, 2009

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No one ever wants to feel all alone. Unfortunately when one is experiencing infertility they do feel all alone. Everywhere they look they see strollers, bulging pregnant bellies and toddlers running around. They cannot see the other “members” of the infertility community. Since one in six couples experience infertility, these “members” must be out in public. The problem is that they look like everyone else. Unfortunately, you won’t see a man wearing a t-shirt saying, “My sperm are abnormal. How about yours?” or a woman with “I’m on Clomid in order to get pregnant!” plastered on the back of her jacket. My husband, Paul, and I definitely felt alone and were looking around for others who we could relate to.

Oh Oh! Look!

When Paul and I were considering adoption, we started again to look around as not to feel so alone. We quickly become crazy voyeurs when in public because suddenly we noticed adoptive couples everywhere we went. I am not sure if they were all hiding out in a shack waiting to be released on cue when we walked outside of our home but it sure felt like it. (more…)