Sometimes I feel like in my adoption articles I portray the more negative view of adoption. People may think you aren’t a “real” parent! Children may tease your daughter for looking different than you! Television shows portray adoptees as having severe emotional issues! I write about these things to prepare adoptive parents for any situation that may arise. My first adoption happened so quickly that I don’t feel like I got enough information beforehand to prepare me for awkward questions, conversations, looks and inaccurate assumptions about my children. I would hate for any other adoptive parent to feel the same way with their first child.

Recently, I have been telling myself to focus more on the positive aspects of adoption. Obviously I’m thrilled to be a parent through adoption and love my life with my children. Why do I need to prep prospective adoptive parents for insensitive situations? People are more welcoming of adoption than in the past. Transracial familial relationships are not uncommon anymore. Families are formed in all different ways and aren’t being hidden from the public eye.

Yet all it takes is one conversation with a stranger to remind me that I must always be ready to talk about adoption.

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More than once after I made the decision to adopt, I was told by people, “Just wait – now you’ll get pregnant!” I usually gave a polite laugh and said something like, “Well that would be a surprise!” In my mind I was rudely saying “It be a heck of a lot cheaper.” or “Who knew all I had to do was stop infertility treatments to get them to work correctly?” or “Do you think I’m not happy to be adopting?”

I think people say this familiar comment because they honestly do not know what to say when they learn adoption plans from someone who has tried so long to get pregnant. They aren’t aware how much time, effort and gut wrenching emotion had been put into the decision to end infertility treatments and pursue adoption.

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Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.

I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same!  Isn’t that amazing?  Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”

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Not everyone who pursues adoption is doing so for their first child. Many adoptive couples are parents already when they choose to adopt.  They may have one or more children that are biologically theirs. Or maybe the couple has adopted already and is doing it again. Going through the adoption process when you already have children in your home is a different experience.  It’s sometimes difficult for these parents to find the support they need as a lot of the adoption literature is geared for childless couples entering the adoption world.

As an adoptive parent of three I know firsthand that the adoption process is very different the second or third time around. I have many friends who adopted after having biological children or after previously adopting. We shared with one another how different the experience was and what we can teach other parents wishing to adopt.

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