Have you ever seen the Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid”? The premise is that there is a mermaid, Ariel, who longs to be a human and experience the world outside of the ocean. She has heard stories, seen paintings, and collected sunken treasures of this human world she had not seen in person. She is sad and frustrated that no matter how hard she tries there is nothing she can do to miraculously grow legs and survive outside of the ocean. She sings about her desire to become human in a song “Part of Your World.”

When I first heard that song years ago I thought, “Accept what you are Ariel and deal with it!” But looking back on my years of infertility I can understand more of that frustration that Ariel references. During my infertility journeys I wanted more than anything to be part of the “Mommy World.” From the stories I had heard it involved funny and priceless moments between Moms and their kids. I had seen it portrayed in movies, and on TV that it was all smiles and hugs. From all the toys and outfits in the stores it looked like a world full of fun times. The image I had of this “Mommy World” was fantastic and I ached daily to be part of it.

Yearning for “Mommy World”

Once my husband, Paul, and I began the adoption process I knew I was closer than ever to be part of “Mommy World.” I just knew I would get there and I would have tons of Mom friends and play with my child all day. How could I not then be healed of all my painful feelings left over from years of yearning for “Mommy World?”

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There are many questions that are asked of myself and my children because we are a family formed through adoption. I knew this would happen when we chose to adopt and especially when we chose to adopt transracially. This does not mean that I am not still amazed by what words come out of strangers’ mouths when commenting on my family. I have learned how to handle most questions with dignity and am always in the process of teaching my children to do the same.

Most comments I understand are because many people are not properly educated about adoption. Why would they be unless they have been through the adoption process themselves? I was clueless about the facts of adoption up until I walked into my first Adoption Support Meeting and starting reading books on the topic. Yet when strangers use the word “real” in regards to adoptive families it strikes a nerve in those in the adoption community.

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Nowadays families come together in different ways.  Due to divorce, remarriage, adoption, grandparents as primary caregivers, same-sex partners and other configurations there is no longer one set idea of what a “family” should look like.  With adoption you can have some control over this.  By being selective with your child’s country of birth and their race, you can have a good picture in your mind of what your family will look like. 

Just as parents of biological children expect that their children will look similar to one another, some adoptive parents want the same.  It’s not uncommon for some adoptive parents, including myself, to only seek out children of similar racial background in order for them all to “match” one another.  By using the word “match” I only mean the children will share similar physical characteristics.  This may sound like an odd thing to be concerned about to someone outside of the adoption community. I found it was one small way to bring some normalcy to my family formed through adoption which is anything but a normal process.

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(Recently I had the pleasure of facilitating an adoption panel that included an adult Adoptee, an Adoptive Mother and two Birthmothers.  Between listening to the Birthmothers tell their stories and two of my children recently celebrating their birthdays; my mind has been traveling to thoughts of my children’s Birthparents.  Even though I have not heard anything from them in a very long time, I still think of them daily.  Below is a letter that I dedicate to all the Birthparents of my three children.) 

Dear Birthparents,

First of all, I would like to apologize for passing judgement upon you before I even knew you.  Before researching adoption, I had assumed all Birthparents were young, uneducated and did not care for their newborns.  Otherwise, why would you not want to parent?  After looking into adoption, I learned that odds were you would be in your 20’s and 30’s with children already.  With all three of my adoptions, my research was much more accurate than my previous assumptions about you.  This truly surprised me.

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I always try to tell my children that to say they “are adopted” is not correct.  I believe they should say they “were adopted”.  That may seem like a minor change of words but the meaning behind “are” versus “were” is quite major.

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One question that is asked of me often is “When did you tell your kids they were adopted?”  My answer is very different than what the common reply would have been 30 years ago.  Back then, adoption was a hush-hush thing not openly discussed.  Children were placed with adoptive parents who had similar physical features so they could blend in.  Some of those children didn’t discover until they were much older that they were adopted into their family.  Nowadays, that way of thinking is completely out the window, at least within the adoption community.  Adoption is not hidden anymore thanks to open adoptions, transracial adoptions, celebrities adopting and frank discussions about family building options.

The best advice I had heard about answering the question above is that your child should have no recollection about being told they were adopted.  Just as you should have no idea when you discovered you were a boy or a girl, your child should have no idea when they found out about their adoption.  It should just be a natural part of their life.  As part of their identity, the child should know that they entered their family through adoption.

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 Once a couple has adopted a baby, they will be overcome with happiness.  They will be able to look at their baby and instantly know that their baby was always meant to be theirs.  Maternal and Paternal instincts will kick in for these new parents.  Bonding with the baby will be so easy for these new parents because they finally have a child.  This is the one thing they have worked so hard for and waited so long to receive.  Love and happiness will be abounding.

This is what I thought would happen after adopting our first child.  Of course, I’d be thrilled.  Of course I’d fall madly in love with the baby.  Of course, I’d bond instantly because this baby was all mine.  Did this happen?  Not exactly.  Did I know that I may not feel happy?  Not at all.  Did I feel like an awful person that I didn’t feel a connection with this baby I’d wanted so badly?  Absolutely.

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One may assume that once you adopt you fit right in with other families and don’t have to think about your adoption anymore.  As an adoptive parent, I tend to disagree with this.  I believe that a couple does not just adopt a child but also adopts a new lifestyle.  Honestly, I consider adoption as a lifestyle in itself.  It is a different way of thinking about your family and the world itself.

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