(Recently I had the pleasure of facilitating an adoption panel that included an adult Adoptee, an Adoptive Mother and two Birthmothers.  Between listening to the Birthmothers tell their stories and two of my children recently celebrating their birthdays; my mind has been traveling to thoughts of my children’s Birthparents.  Even though I have not heard anything from them in a very long time, I still think of them daily.  Below is a letter that I dedicate to all the Birthparents of my three children.) 

Dear Birthparents,

First of all, I would like to apologize for passing judgement upon you before I even knew you.  Before researching adoption, I had assumed all Birthparents were young, uneducated and did not care for their newborns.  Otherwise, why would you not want to parent?  After looking into adoption, I learned that odds were you would be in your 20’s and 30’s with children already.  With all three of my adoptions, my research was much more accurate than my previous assumptions about you.  This truly surprised me.

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I always try to tell my children that to say they “are adopted” is not correct.  I believe they should say they “were adopted”.  That may seem like a minor change of words but the meaning behind “are” versus “were” is quite major.

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One question that is asked of me often is “When did you tell your kids they were adopted?” My answer is very different than what the common reply would have been 30 years ago. Back then, adoption was a hush-hush thing not openly discussed. Children were placed with adoptive parents who had similar physical features so they could blend in. Some of those children didn’t discover until they were much older that they were adopted into their family. Nowadays, that way of thinking is completely out the window, at least within the adoption community. Adoption is not hidden anymore thanks to open adoptions, transracial adoptions, celebrities adopting and frank discussions about family building options.

The best advice I had heard about answering the question above is that your child should have no recollection about being told they were adopted. Just as you should have no idea when you discovered you were a boy or a girl, your child should have no idea when they found out about their adoption. It should just be a natural part of their life. As part of their identity, the child should know that they entered their family through adoption.

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Once a couple has adopted a baby, they will be overcome with happiness. They will be able to look at their baby and instantly know that their baby was always meant to be theirs. Maternal and Paternal instincts will kick in for these new parents. Bonding with the baby will be so easy for these new parents because they finally have a child. This is the one thing they have worked so hard for and waited so long to receive. Love and happiness will be abounding.

This is what I thought would happen after adopting our first child. Of course, I’d be thrilled. Of course I’d fall madly in love with the baby. Of course, I’d bond instantly because this baby was all mine. Did this happen? Not exactly. Did I know that I may not feel happy? Not at all. Did I feel like an awful person that I didn’t feel a connection with this baby I’d wanted so badly? Absolutely.

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One may assume that once you adopt you fit right in with other families and don’t have to think about your adoption anymore.  As an adoptive parent, I tend to disagree with this.  I believe that a couple does not just adopt a child but also adopts a new lifestyle.  Honestly, I consider adoption as a lifestyle in itself.  It is a different way of thinking about your family and the world itself.

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