“I don’t know why they have to do a criminal background check on you.” “Doesn’t it take years to adopt a healthy baby?” “Can’t you just go to Haiti and adopt one of the children from the earthquake?” “Why must the birth mother pick you? Shouldn’t you pick her, since you’re paying the money?” “Why are you wanting to ask the birth parents their opinion on baby names? He’ll be your baby!” “How come you still have social worker visits, after you have your child?” “Why do you want to remain in contact with the birth family? Aren’t you worried about confusing your child?” “Why does it cost so much to adopt?”

Some of these questions may have been ones you’ve heard, or eventually will hear as an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent. While sometimes these questions come from strangers approaching you at the drug store, odds are the most surprising and brazen questions will come from your loved ones. It would be easy to give an annoyed look at a stranger and simply walk away. But if you’re preparing your Thanksgiving meal and your Dad asks, “How will you know if the biological mom is lying, by saying she hasn’t done drugs? Haven’t most of them had drinks during their pregnancies?” it is a lot harder and even less desirable to walk away and avoid answering.

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So if you are going to adopt, are you ready to take some risks? Sure there are the obvious risks like selecting an agency or picking a country to adopt from. But what about the smaller risks which you may not be expecting? It’s impossible to be prepared for ever adoption situation which may arise as every adoption is unique. But it’s not a bad idea to reflect upon some possible scenarios where you may have to risk money, your heart or when you first meet your child.

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At this month’s Adoption Support Group meeting I heard something from some of the attendees which I unfortunately expected. Many of them had been asked by co-workers or loved ones, “So why don’t you just adopt an orphan from Haiti?” When I had heard about the tragic January 12th earthquake in Haiti and how many children lost their families, a small voice in my head wondered if this was going to be a new topic in the adoption world.

This topic makes sense when on the news we are shown pictures of children without their families. It breaks my heart to see this. Of course I to want to help. What decent person wouldn’t want to? You could donate money or even supplies to Haiti. These are logical actions. As someone in the adoption world I know there isn’t much logic to the thought “Gee, I know someone who wants to adopt. I should tell them to do this so they can get a child quick and easy.”

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Not long ago, I asked my parents to write an article for this website. Having different points of view on adoption would be valuable for my readers. After reading their article below you’ll agree that I am very blessed to have parents who fully supported our adoptions without hesitation. I hope you have someone in your life as supportive as them during your journey. If you don’t yet, that doesn’t mean that you never will. Sometimes all it takes is some of your time to educate your loved ones about adoption. So be patient with them until they hopefully realize, like my parents did right away, that it is extremely easy and very rewarding to accept and love a child though adoption.

A Grandparents’ View

Our grandchildren are the cutest, smartest and most interesting children we’ve ever had the pleasure to love. Just ask and we’ll show you their photos in our wallets and on our cell phones. Got a minute and we’ll tell you the latest new words our youngest has mastered and what science project our oldest grandson is involved with. Are we any different from any other proud grandparents? We don’t think so. Does it matter that three of our grandchildren have been adopted? “Not at all” we’ll answer.

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While going through infertility I began attending a Women’s infertility support group. I was hesitant at first because I thought it would be full of crazed women willing to drug themselves up in order to get a litter of children. I was wrong because what I found was a room full of women who were just like me. We all are struggling to find answers to our infertility, having difficulties with relationships, and trying to curb the strong feelings not to lose our minds whenever we passed a pregnant woman on the street.

I learned a lot of helpful information from these meetings which helped me keep my sanity during the extremely stressful years of infertility treatments. One of the best pieces of advice I received quickly became my personal infertility mantra. It was that I was allowed to have “avoidance without guilt.” So if I chose not to go to a baby shower, I shouldn’t feel guilty. If I didn’t go to a work gathering in fear of being stuck talking to the young women who are trying to get pregnant, then it was OK. Using this mantra helped me make some difficult decisions and still feel good about myself.

Since that mantra was so helpful for me during infertility I knew I’d need something new during the adoption process. I thought it would be something like “Remember to sign all of the checks” or “Always look presentable in front of the potential Birthparents.” Never did I expect to use the mantra told to me by an Adoptive mother and the leader of the Adoption Support Group I was attending.

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