December 23rd, 2009
In the dating world, people have to make many choices. Who do I find attractive? How old can they be? Do they have to have a college degree? Must they like sports? Should they live in town? And the questions go on and on. People don’t usually sit down and list out all their requirements but just “know” in their gut what their answers are. Their best friend may vehemently disagree with their answers but that can be just fine. You are the best judge for what you should look for in a relationship. Yes, there are dating matching programs but ultimately the person follows their instincts to decide whether or not to take the relationship further.
Those pursing adoption also have to make a lot of choices based on many factors. These choices can be minor ones (like whether to fly or drive to pick up your child) or major ones (like whether or not to adopt from foster care). While you go through the process it will seem like everyone, including those not educated about adoption, will have opinions on your choices. It’s difficult to explain that your decisions are ones you have educated yourself about, followed your instincts on and that you did not decide lightly.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions | 1 Comment »
December 12th, 2009
Recently I had the pleasure of being asked to present to a group of adoption social workers from a local agency. The topic I covered was “Understanding the Infertile Adoptive Couple.” This is a subject I feel knowledgeable about as I entered adoption from the infertility world. I have also met many people who meet this description since I’ve been either participating in or leading infertility and adoption support groups over the past nine years.
If you ask someone if a couple’s adoption journey would be affected by their fertility status, then they’d likely answer, “No.” Why would it make a difference if someone could or could not have biological children? All prospective adoptive parents have to go through the same screening process and fill out the same paperwork, right?
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions | 2 Comments »
December 4th, 2009
This is the time of year where people reach out to help others in their community. One way to help others is to purchase holiday gifts for families which are struggling financially. For example, churches, businesses, book clubs and gyms may select a few local families or individuals to receive clothing, toys, and household item donations.
I enjoy providing for those in need during the holiday season. However, it makes my skin crawl when these wonderful programs are advertised as an “Adopt-a-Family.” For most adoptive families, including myself, this is an offensive and troublesome way to use the word “adopt.” The family being donated to is not being “adopted” but actually being “sponsored.” If they were in fact being “adopted” then there would be home studies, lawyer fees and then there’s the issue of the family coming to live with them.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, International Adoptions | 3 Comments »
November 9th, 2009
More than once after I made the decision to adopt, I was told by people, “Just wait – now you’ll get pregnant!” I usually gave a polite laugh and said something like, “Well that would be a surprise!” In my mind I was rudely saying “It be a heck of a lot cheaper.” or “Who knew all I had to do was stop infertility treatments to get them to work correctly?” or “Do you think I’m not happy to be adopting?”
I think people say this familiar comment because they honestly do not know what to say when they learn adoption plans from someone who has tried so long to get pregnant. They aren’t aware how much time, effort and gut wrenching emotion had been put into the decision to end infertility treatments and pursue adoption.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption | 7 Comments »
October 27th, 2009
There are plenty of “How to Adopt” books which cover how to pick an agency, what a home study is, and affording adoption. There are also plenty of books which discuss “Adoptive Parenting” with topics such as attachment, answering questions from your child and maintaining your child’s heritage. But I don’t know of any books that focus on what to do while “Waiting to Adopt.” This stage between completing all of your adoption paperwork and when you receive your new child can be a very difficult time. It’s hard to just “wait” and not be antsy for your life to be turned upside down once you have your new child in your arms.
Most people are surprised when they reach this “Waiting to Adopt” stage because their busy life suddenly comes to a screeching stop. Probably for months they have been researching agencies, collecting paperwork for their home study, meeting with their social worker, following up with their referral letters and many other tasks. Then once everything is complete, there is nothing left for them to do but wait. And wait. And wait. Couples usually feel a need to be doing “something” like they have been but they don’t know what to do at this point. Everything is out of their hands until an adoption situation arises.
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October 17th, 2009
Not long ago I was out of town in a museum with my children. My one-year-old Son was toddling around looking for something to capture his attention when he found a boy and girl dancing and singing songs with one another. He stopped and stared at these siblings. The boy was around 12 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. His sister who he was flinging around was around 9 years old with black hair, dark eyes and very dark skin. I’m not an expert on ethnicities but I assumed she was Hispanic as she looked similar to my children.
I was pleased that my Son was staying in one place so I also watched the siblings goof around. Suddenly their Mother appeared and loudly said to her daughter, “Look Honey, he’s looking at you because you two look the same! He’s wondering where you’re from. Aren’t you curious where he’s from? Maybe you’re from the same place because you two look the same! Isn’t that amazing? Why don’t you ask him if you’re from the same place?”
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October 9th, 2009
When my oldest son, Keith, was in Kindergarten I would volunteer in his classroom. The first time or two I arrived in his room and he ran over to give me a big hug, I noticed confused looks on some of his classmates’ faces. Then I heard some of them whisper to Keith, “Is SHE your Mom?” or “How can she be your MOM?” He would proudly answer, “Yes that’s my Mom.” and “She just is.”
He probably didn’t understand why he was getting the third degree about his Mom. I clearly understood that it was because they assumed Keith’s Mom would look him with dark skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair. Then I walked in with my light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I would have been surprised if the children didn’t question if I was actually his Mom.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption | 5 Comments »
October 2nd, 2009
“Your child will find you.”
The first time I heard that was when I attended an Adoption Support Group. The meeting leader, an adoptive mother, spoke these words to give the attendees hope. I had just experienced a miscarriage after three years of infertility treatments. I really didn’t have any hope that my child was going to “find” me at that point.
I was the one who had to choose adoption, fill out paperwork, complete a home study, create a profile, work with potential Birthparents and foot the adoption bill. What work was my child doing in finding me? Wasn’t I doing all of the work?
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September 19th, 2009
As a prospective adoptive parent you probably don’t spend a lot of your time seeking out the stories of Birthmothers. You’ll be much more likely to pick up a book containing essays of how people navigated the adoption process to successfully adopt a child. Stories from the Birthmothers’ point of view could be interesting to you but you’d rather spend your energy learning what you have to do to become an adoptive parent.
I definitely did not place a lot of thought into how the Birthmothers enter the world of adoption and the struggles they must face by choosing to place their child. Yet after I adopted I felt a strong need to understand the Birthmothers’ stories. I now listen to Birthmothers speak on adoption panels and have read essays by them. I wish I would have learned more about this very important part of the adoption story before I adopted the first time.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, Parenting after Adoption, Researching Adoption | 3 Comments »
September 6th, 2009
While going through infertility I began attending a Women’s infertility support group. I was hesitant at first because I thought it would be full of crazed women willing to drug themselves up in order to get a litter of children. I was wrong because what I found was a room full of women who were just like me. We all are struggling to find answers to our infertility, having difficulties with relationships, and trying to curb the strong feelings not to lose our minds whenever we passed a pregnant woman on the street.
I learned a lot of helpful information from these meetings which helped me keep my sanity during the extremely stressful years of infertility treatments. One of the best pieces of advice I received quickly became my personal infertility mantra. It was that I was allowed to have “avoidance without guilt.” So if I chose not to go to a baby shower, I shouldn’t feel guilty. If I didn’t go to a work gathering in fear of being stuck talking to the young women who are trying to get pregnant, then it was OK. Using this mantra helped me make some difficult decisions and still feel good about myself.
Since that mantra was so helpful for me during infertility I knew I’d need something new during the adoption process. I thought it would be something like “Remember to sign all of the checks” or “Always look presentable in front of the potential Birthparents.” Never did I expect to use the mantra told to me by an Adoptive mother and the leader of the Adoption Support Group I was attending.
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