August 19th, 2009
When people consider adopting domestically for an infant, one of their first concerns surrounds the Birthparents. I have heard many people in my Adoption Support Group state that they do not want to “co-parent” with anyone besides their spouse or partner. People also don’t want to be committed to sending letters and pictures and maybe even have phone calls or visits with the Birthparents. People researching adoption hear the term “open adoption” and assume this openness is just so the Birthparents can be an intrusive part of the adoptive family’s life.
Open Adoption” is actually used to describe a wide spectrum of sharing identifying information between the Birthparents and the adoptive parents. On one end of the spectrum is when everyone knows each other’s first names and that is it. They may never meet each other. The other end of the “open adoption” spectrum is when there is little to no information hidden between everyone. The Birthparents could be present for family functions, call the adoptive family directly and are informed of everything that happens in the child’s life. Read the rest of this entry »
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August 2nd, 2009
A person’s name is a very important part of their identity. Some people even believe that their name shapes their personality. If you are a “Maghnus” you’ll have a large strong personality as a “Tucker” may be a more laid back type of person. Whichever comes first, the name or the personality, selecting a name for your child can be a difficult decision. Most couples only have to consider the input from each other when whittling down their list of potential names.
When you decide to adopt a child there is a lot more thought put into what to name your child. You must consider if you want to keep their original name, “Americanize” their original name, select a name consistent with their ethnicity, consult with the Birthparents to find a name everyone is happy with, combine names to create new ones, or choose a name that you always wanted.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 4 Comments »
July 27th, 2009
No one ever wants to feel all alone. Unfortunately when one is experiencing infertility they do feel all alone. Everywhere they look they see strollers, bulging pregnant bellies and toddlers running around. They cannot see the other “members” of the infertility community. Since one in six couples experience infertility, these “members” must be out in public. The problem is that they look like everyone else. Unfortunately, you won’t see a man wearing a t-shirt saying, “My sperm are abnormal. How about yours?” or a woman with “I’m on Clomid in order to get pregnant!” plastered on the back of her jacket. My husband, Paul, and I definitely felt alone and were looking around for others who we could relate to.
Oh Oh! Look!
When Paul and I were considering adoption, we started again to look around as not to feel so alone. We quickly become crazy voyeurs when in public because suddenly we noticed adoptive couples everywhere we went. I am not sure if they were all hiding out in a shack waiting to be released on cue when we walked outside of our home but it sure felt like it. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Parenting after Adoption, Researching Adoption | 2 Comments »
July 16th, 2009
Have you ever seen the Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid”? The premise is that there is a mermaid, Ariel, who longs to be a human and experience the world outside of the ocean. She has heard stories, seen paintings, and collected sunken treasures of this human world she had not seen in person. She is sad and frustrated that no matter how hard she tries there is nothing she can do to miraculously grow legs and survive outside of the ocean. She sings about her desire to become human in a song “Part of Your World.”
When I first heard that song years ago I thought, “Accept what you are Ariel and deal with it!” But looking back on my years of infertility I can understand more of that frustration that Ariel references. During my infertility journeys I wanted more than anything to be part of the “Mommy World.” From the stories I had heard it involved funny and priceless moments between Moms and their kids. I had seen it portrayed in movies, and on TV that it was all smiles and hugs. From all the toys and outfits in the stores it looked like a world full of fun times. The image I had of this “Mommy World” was fantastic and I ached daily to be part of it.
Yearning for “Mommy World”
Once my husband, Paul, and I began the adoption process I knew I was closer than ever to be part of “Mommy World.” I just knew I would get there and I would have tons of Mom friends and play with my child all day. How could I not then be healed of all my painful feelings left over from years of yearning for “Mommy World?”
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July 11th, 2009
One step that is required of every adoptive parent before they adopt a child is the adoption home study. This is an official report that states whether prospective adoptive parents are fit to raise a child. The report is written by a social worker who meets the couple multiple times, including one visit to their house, and investigates their medical, family, criminal, emotional and home background. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the prospective adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child. Only the court, your agency/lawyer and possibly yourself will ever view the final home study report.
The home study can be one of the more stressful parts when preparing to adopt, but it does not need to be. It can be stressful because the home study requires a lot of legwork to collect all the necessary documents and a lot of your time to be interviewed by the social worker. Doing all of this can bring up a lot of feelings that prospective adoptive parents may not have been expecting. From my personal experience of doing three adoption home studies and knowing many others who have also been through the process I can say that these feelings are normal for most all prospective adoptive parents.
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June 27th, 2009
There are many questions that are asked of myself and my children because we are a family formed through adoption. I knew this would happen when we chose to adopt and especially when we chose to adopt transracially. This does not mean that I am not still amazed by what words come out of strangers’ mouths when commenting on my family. I have learned how to handle most questions with dignity and am always in the process of teaching my children to do the same.
Most comments I understand are because many people are not properly educated about adoption. Why would they be unless they have been through the adoption process themselves? I was clueless about the facts of adoption up until I walked into my first Adoption Support Meeting and starting reading books on the topic. Yet when strangers use the word “real” in regards to adoptive families it strikes a nerve in those in the adoption community.
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June 23rd, 2009
When people are looking for an agency/lawyer for a domestic adoption, they often think locally. This can sometimes limit them to options that don’t meet their needs. The good news is that people can use any agency/lawyer based in the United States to handle their domestic adoption. The bad news is that because there are so many more choices when you are looking throughout the United States, people need to do a lot more research to make sure they locate the best place for them to adopt a child.
This research includes looking into the pros and cons of working with someone out of their state. If they decide to select an out of state agency/lawyer, then they need to decide what state’s adoption laws they like the most. As if the process of selecting an agency/lawyer wasn’t difficult enough, each of the 50 states has their own specific adoption laws that you must abide by if you use an agency/lawyer located within it.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 1 Comment »
June 1st, 2009
Not everyone who pursues adoption is doing so for their first child. Many adoptive couples are parents already when they choose to adopt. They may have one or more children that are biologically theirs. Or maybe the couple has adopted already and is doing it again. Going through the adoption process when you already have children in your home is a different experience. It’s sometimes difficult for these parents to find the support they need as a lot of the adoption literature is geared for childless couples entering the adoption world.
As an adoptive parent of three I know firsthand that the adoption process is very different the second or third time around. I have many friends who adopted after having biological children or after previously adopting. We shared with one another how different the experience was and what we can teach other parents wishing to adopt.
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May 19th, 2009
When one chooses to adopt they are forgoing the dream of a physical pregnancy but that does not mean that they have to give up the dream of a pregnancy all together. Sure they won’t have morning sickness, an expanding belly or push something the size of a watermelon out of them. They will have other ways to experience their pregnancy through research, paperwork, waiting and having faith that they will hold their child in their arms.
Preconception
For a woman who knows she will become pregnant the old fashioned way, she may get her body ready for pregnancy. Perhaps she’ll watch what she eats, monitor her cycle or take a prenatal vitamin. For the adoptive couple, this stage is when they are researching, researching and researching about adoption. They are trying to wrap their minds around the adoption lingo and figuring out the best route of adoption for them.
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Posted in Domestic Adoptions, In the Adoption Process, International Adoptions, Researching Adoption | 1 Comment »
April 15th, 2009
Nowadays families come together in different ways. Due to divorce, remarriage, adoption, grandparents as primary caregivers, same-sex partners and other configurations there is no longer one set idea of what a “family” should look like. With adoption you can have some control over this. By being selective with your child’s country of birth and their race, you can have a good picture in your mind of what your family will look like.
Just as parents of biological children expect that their children will look similar to one another, some adoptive parents want the same. It’s not uncommon for some adoptive parents, including myself, to only seek out children of similar racial background in order for them all to “match” one another. By using the word “match” I only mean the children will share similar physical characteristics. This may sound like an odd thing to be concerned about to someone outside of the adoption community. I found it was one small way to bring some normalcy to my family formed through adoption which is anything but a normal process.
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